The Importance of Touch

This morning, a friend, Tyler, messaged me. I thought nothing of it, though we hadn't talked in awhile. Then I asked how he was, and his response told me that there was a reason he had reached out to me this morning. Last night, a friend of his committed suicide. I froze as a chill ran through my entire body.

Let me back up here for a minute. I "met" Tyler through my personal blog shortly after attempting suicide. I told Ty the whole story, even though he was essentially a stranger, and his Christian perspective, even from thousands of miles away, was a big step on the road to recovery for me. So, when he lost someone he loved to suicide, I wanted to help.

I have composed several texts. Some simply said "I'm sorry" over and over again. Some attempted to explain that his friend didn't do it to hurt him and likely didn't think Ty would be hurt anyway. Some offered the thought that the suffering of this world was over for his friend, and that heaven is coming for those left to grieve. I haven't sent any of them. Nothing I can say is enough. To be honest, nothing I can find in the Bible is enough. (Yes, I realize how controversial that idea is, particularly on a Christian ministry blog.) Sometimes, pain is just beyond words.

There is something you can do, though. I remember reading somewhere that the average person needs at least eight positive physical touches per day in order to be healthy. Think about it - how often do you give or receive positive physical touch each day? We each have a responsibility: offer positive touch. However, I would also challenge you to ask for positive touch from trusted people in your life.

Today, I pledge to ask for and offer at least one positive touch. It's not much, but it's a start. What will you do? (And I sincerely hope that someone who actually knows Ty in person reads this and offers him a hug.)

Milestone!!

I have a MAJOR milestone to share with y'all. A week and a half ago, my therapist announced that he thought I was ready to begin weaning off of therapy. And I was excited! Not nervous, not depressed, not anything negative, just excited. My last day of therapy is March 26th - one day after the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. And then, the week from hell began....

Tuesday, I accomplished nothing I needed to thanks to various friend and work emergencies, got lots of extra work dumped on me, and had a panic attack myself in the library over telling my father about my impending divorce.

Wednesday, I started to feel sick, which I just don't have time for right now.

Yesterday, I got a call at work. It was Mom, so I answered. She was crying, and struggled to tell me that a great man, who's been a grandfather figure to me, had passed away. I know we talked after that, but I have no memory of the conversation. I know that one of my students came over to ask a question, but I couldn't tell you what it was for anything. I was simply in shock.

I made plans to go home this weekend to see his family, as well as my own. Today, they were derailed by, you guessed it, snow and ice (seriously, is anyone in the contiguous US not getting this stuff???).

However, this is not a rant post. Because today, I realized that, in spite of everything challenging my mental health, I was still happy, healthy, and positive. I realized that my therapist and my best friend were both right - I was "better." With the help of God and family/friends (really, those words are interchangeable at this point), I can handle absolutely anything thrown my way.

The conversation with my best friend upon telling him that I was weaning off of counseling. He said that what he'd told me last spring was coming full circle:

Happy New Year???

Given the state of my personal life, I've heard more New Year's platitudes this year than ever before.
"New year, new you!"
"Time for a fresh start!"
"Everything can be different this year!"

With all due respect to the people who told me those things, they are bald-faced lies. Now don't get me wrong - I firmly believe in the power of choosing to start over. However, there is nothing magical or inherently more powerful about the new year. You remain the person you were when you entered. My past has not suddenly changed or disappeared.

That being said, I have decided to make some alterations to my life this year. I'll be updating you as we go along, letting you know at least one change per week until I run out of changes. This week, that change is a book.

It's no secret that my faith has been wavering, thanks to my life circumstances. (More on that later.) But when I received The Bible in Rhyme by Kyle Holt from my mother for Christmas, I decided to give it a try. After all, it couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong. I am a poet, by both nature and schooling. The rhyming scheme (and its frequent misses) often grate on my nerves. But it's cute, fun, easy to read. I have consumed more of the Bible in the past three days than I usually achieve with the standard "I'll read at least four chapters a day" kind of resolution.

The Bible in Rhyme has also forced me to think about what I'm reading in a way that reading the standard Bible never has. The author has made a concerted effort to capture a cohesive, overarching story, which ash forced him to omit some details and to explain the relevance of stories that interrupt the overarching narrative.

Should this Bible be your only Bible? Absolutely not. However, if the original text is hard for you to get through, difficult for you to understand, or in some other way prohibitive to your reading it, give this a try. Thus far, at least, it seems to be a great way to get to know the general story without getting bogged down in difficult language, incoherent measurements, or genealogies that do not carry the meaning to modern readers that they would have to the original hearers.

What are you doing to change yourself or your circumstances this year? What do you think of New Year's resolutions?

Blanket Cocoon

Tonight, I write to you from the comfort of my blanket cocoon, long after I should have been asleep. But sleep isn't likely to come tonight. See, today I proofread legal documents that will change my life forever. Tonight, I realized that I've exhausted all other options known to me. And yet I hate it. Yet I fight it. Yet I wonder why I'm not worth fighting for.

But even in the sleeplessness, there's a kind of peace. There is no turn to self injury.

Today, I realized some difficult things about my future. But today I also realized that I won't face it alone. And for that, I'm truly thankful.

Semicolon

Hey there, y'all!

First, if you're still with me after this long hiatus, thank you. Turns out being a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, and attempting to maintain a ministry is, well, dang near impossible. In fact, posting to this blog hadn't crossed my mind in awhile until a lovely follower sent me this picture:

And I am so glad she did! Yes, it has been quite some time since the official semicolon day. However, we need this reminder all the time. Semicolons indicate a place where a sentence could have ended, but the author chose to keep going. If you have ever even thought about suicide and chosen to go on, this symbol is for you.

Another follower has been privately messaging me about her desire to die. This is not an unusual thing for me to write back and forth with people about. However, I don't believe in coincidences, and receiving those messages along with this picture of a semicolon from a different follower....I think it's a sign that we all needed this reminder. So, my beautiful followers, hang in there.

If you need to talk, have questions, or just want to send me your awesome semicolon or other mental health related images, feel free to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. I'd love to chat with you. And no, you never annoy me with your messages.

Talk

This is written on my phone, so please forgive typos/autocorrect errors.

I spoke to two classes of preservice teachers today about mental health issues. It was amazing. Not only were these amazing future teachers respectful and responsive, they asked great questions and even shared some of their own stories. These are the kind of people we need teaching our children.

One student shared that a friend had showed her cuts on her arm in middle school, and she didn't know what to do. She now regrets doing nothing. This is why we must talk about mental health issues. By staying silent, you might save yourself some embarrassment and uncomfortable conversations and situations, but you may also cost someone else their health or even their life. Talk about it. Make yourself open. Let your friends, family, students, co-workers, whoever you're around, know that you're willing to talk and listen.

Now, let me leave you with some signs that someone is struggling with mental health on some level. If you notice these things, tell an adult, have a private conversation with the person, do something!

Sudden personality/activity changes
Ceasing communication/withdrawing
Wearing long sleeves in warm weather
Giving away personal belongings
Saying goodbye rather than goodnight, see you later, or other forms of salutation
Refusal to make long term/future plans
Sleeping more than usual
Not eating with other people
Academics slipping

As always, comment, use the contact box on the right, or e-mail me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. Love y'all!

Metacognition

Fair warning, this is a long post centered around my own struggles with relationships, but I think you'll still find something of worth, if you can make it to the end.

Let me start by admitting that today is a bad day. It's been a bad week, actually. On a scale of 1(no desire to self harm) to 10(gonna self harm right now), I've hovered around a 7 for the last few days, and am currently at about a 6. There are plenty of reasons I could give you for this escalation over what has become my typical rating of around 0-2. The one we're going to focus on today, though, is best described by my therapist (we'll call him Ned) as punishing myself for living in a house where I don't feel comfortable or safe and considering ending the relationship.

To combat this punishment, my therapist looked me square in the eyes and said, "Considering ending a relationship does not make you a bad person." I dropped my gaze. I didn't believe him. I'm still not sure I do. I argued that Matthew 5:21-30 (don't be impressed, I had to look up the reference) stated "that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (5:27), so even considering divorce is a sin.

So Ned asked me a question. "If a man is with his wife on the street and a pretty woman walks by, and he looks and thinks, 'Man, she's hot,' but stops himself from undressing her with his eyes, he's committing adultery?"

"No!" I was quick to reply. "He noticed her beauty, but he stopped himself from actually lusting after---" I cut myself off when I realized his point. Ned was asserting that there were different levels of thinking. That just thinking about divorce was not sinful the way noticing another woman's beauty was not sinful for a married man.

However, a married man undressing another woman with his eyes is sinful. And this is where the analogy falls apart for me: I'm not sure what the equivalent of undressing her with his eyes is for divorce. There is no intent on the man's part to actually physically cheat, only to fantasize. Yet, I don't think fantasizing about divorce is probably a realistic equivalent, on account of there's nothing lovely about it to fantasize about, at least from my perspective.

Still, I see Ned's point, at least in most cases. There are different levels of thinking about something, and thinking about sinning but choosing not to, is not a sin. So whatever you've been shaming yourself for that isn't a real sin - let it go. Please, if you haven't yet, don't let it lead you down a path of self-destructive shame, guilt, and perhaps self harm. And if you've already been down that path, know that there is redemption - there is always redemption.

There is always redemption. You are not beyond repair.