Letting Go

Tonight, I accepted my sister-in-law's invitation to a Bible study with a bunch of people I'd never met that would require me to drive 20 minutes each way. This is not something my introvert self would normally do. Especially not now, when the stress and pain in my life is ridiculous. Normally, I'd be circling the wagons and hermiting it up. 

So what was different? 

It's simple: I'm lonely. I'm alone. I don't think I've ever really been honest about that before. And this time, I'm not only being honest about it, I'm fixing it. 

There is no reason a grown woman like myself should be lonely or alone--with or without a relationship. So I am learning to say yes to social engagements that could be good for me (and no to those that wouldn't). I'm learning to ask for help or a shoulder to cry on when I need it. And most importantly for me, I'm making an intentional effort to grow in my faith. 

So how are you? Sound off in the comments or shoot me an email or Facebook message. Love you all!!

On Good Days

I think one of the hardest and most surreal parts of depression is that you'll have good moments when you feel light and cheerful and even laugh like normal with your friends. Sometimes, those moments will even stretch into a good day.

But you can't let your guard down.

Because if you stop taking your medication, working out, journaling, or doing whatever it is that you do to help keep depression at bay, it will overwhelm you again. It will swallow you whole because you will not be on your guard and you will skip your morning workout to get some extra sleep, only to discover that nothing seems quite as bright as yesterday.

Today was a good day. So, let's be honest, this entry is probably more for me than you. Because tomorrow is Friday, and it's been an absolutely draining two weeks at work. So I will want to sleep in instead of work out. And I know that, if I do, I will regret it because depression, that sneaky little bastard, will sneak up and throw a giant wet blanket on my day.

Don't let your guard down, loves. Stay alert, stay active, and stay focused on winning this battle. We've got this.

Five Tips for Dealing with Depression

If you missed my last post, let me catch you up by telling you that I'm once again experiencing severe depression. Yes, I will be seeing someone for it (only admitted it to myself yesterday), and yes, I have excellent coping mechanisms in the meantime, which is what I'm telling you about today. **Note: These tips do not replace professional counseling or, in some cases, medication.**

First Tip: Make A Schedule
Last night, my boyfriend made me make a list of things I needed to do today. He added things, including "get up no later than 7," "workout," and "write or paint" (which is partially why I'm writing this blog).

Second Tip: Find Someone to Hold You To It
In my case, my boyfriend made sure I was up, that I worked out, and helped me when I couldn't make a decision on what to do next, even with the list right in front of me. (That indecisiveness is one of those side effects of depression that nobody talks about.) However, it takes a village, and I have four people close to me who know my diagnosis and are helping me cope.

Third Tip: Go Outside
My boyfriend and I made sure this was part of my schedule. If it's sunny, this could mean taking work out onto the porch to do. But even just getting outside to go get groceries gives you a small dose of Vitamin D and some movement.

Fourth Tip: Work Out
This is what my boyfriend had me do first thing when I got up. Not because he wants me to look a certain way, but because he knew what I'm about to tell you: Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins help fight depression.

Fifth Tip: Connect
Making connections with people, even meaningless little jokes with your cashier, can help lift your mood. If at all possible, do this in person - handshakes, hugs, and other physical touch can be very good for you. However, even on-line can work if it's a connection with a genuine friend who you actually have honest conversations with on-line.

Falling Back In

Today, I've managed to shower, get dressed, walk next door to church, walk home, change into comfy clothes, start laundry, and now write this. 

Given that, last night, I took every available online depression test in hopes of finding just one that told me I was alright, only to be met with a constant result of severe/clinical/"see someone immediately" depression, that's quite a feat. And now I want a nap. Because the looming to-do list no longer urges me to do anything. 

I'm bad again. Maybe you are, too. But we'll get through this. We have to. We're survivors. 

Ponderings

I apologize for my long absence. I've never before understood Mary so well when Luke 2:19 days she "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." I realize this is a mental health blog, so hang with me. We're getting there. 

My grandpa has been having a rough go of it, medically speaking, and the resulting stresses on my family have been extreme at times. I have been left pondering God's will as well as what my grandpa would want. 

My long-distance, interfaith, interracial relationship always brings its own unique set of things to ponder, chiefly, again, God's will, but also what my boyfriend wants and how he and his family feel about things. 

Work is a mine field of ponderings, including how or why people can intentionally choose to mistreat a child, how I can help that child, what administration this or wants, what parents want or need, etc. 

A few nights ago, I called my boyfriend. I was completely shut down over some of those work ponderings. He proceeded to remind me of a very basic mental health lesson I needed to relearn: boundaries. 

Certainly I am free to be frustrated, scared, angry, sad, or any other emotion I choose. But my boyfriend asked me a very important question: Is it helping you to think about it right now?

If you can leave your stress and tension at work/school, do it. Use the ride home to work it through in your head and then be done. I've been much more carefree since taking his advice. Because you and I can choose to control our stress levels, so let's do it.