Blanket Cocoon

Tonight, I write to you from the comfort of my blanket cocoon, long after I should have been asleep. But sleep isn't likely to come tonight. See, today I proofread legal documents that will change my life forever. Tonight, I realized that I've exhausted all other options known to me. And yet I hate it. Yet I fight it. Yet I wonder why I'm not worth fighting for.

But even in the sleeplessness, there's a kind of peace. There is no turn to self injury.

Today, I realized some difficult things about my future. But today I also realized that I won't face it alone. And for that, I'm truly thankful.

Semicolon

Hey there, y'all!

First, if you're still with me after this long hiatus, thank you. Turns out being a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, and attempting to maintain a ministry is, well, dang near impossible. In fact, posting to this blog hadn't crossed my mind in awhile until a lovely follower sent me this picture:

And I am so glad she did! Yes, it has been quite some time since the official semicolon day. However, we need this reminder all the time. Semicolons indicate a place where a sentence could have ended, but the author chose to keep going. If you have ever even thought about suicide and chosen to go on, this symbol is for you.

Another follower has been privately messaging me about her desire to die. This is not an unusual thing for me to write back and forth with people about. However, I don't believe in coincidences, and receiving those messages along with this picture of a semicolon from a different follower....I think it's a sign that we all needed this reminder. So, my beautiful followers, hang in there.

If you need to talk, have questions, or just want to send me your awesome semicolon or other mental health related images, feel free to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. I'd love to chat with you. And no, you never annoy me with your messages.

Talk

This is written on my phone, so please forgive typos/autocorrect errors.

I spoke to two classes of preservice teachers today about mental health issues. It was amazing. Not only were these amazing future teachers respectful and responsive, they asked great questions and even shared some of their own stories. These are the kind of people we need teaching our children.

One student shared that a friend had showed her cuts on her arm in middle school, and she didn't know what to do. She now regrets doing nothing. This is why we must talk about mental health issues. By staying silent, you might save yourself some embarrassment and uncomfortable conversations and situations, but you may also cost someone else their health or even their life. Talk about it. Make yourself open. Let your friends, family, students, co-workers, whoever you're around, know that you're willing to talk and listen.

Now, let me leave you with some signs that someone is struggling with mental health on some level. If you notice these things, tell an adult, have a private conversation with the person, do something!

Sudden personality/activity changes
Ceasing communication/withdrawing
Wearing long sleeves in warm weather
Giving away personal belongings
Saying goodbye rather than goodnight, see you later, or other forms of salutation
Refusal to make long term/future plans
Sleeping more than usual
Not eating with other people
Academics slipping

As always, comment, use the contact box on the right, or e-mail me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. Love y'all!

Metacognition

Fair warning, this is a long post centered around my own struggles with relationships, but I think you'll still find something of worth, if you can make it to the end.

Let me start by admitting that today is a bad day. It's been a bad week, actually. On a scale of 1(no desire to self harm) to 10(gonna self harm right now), I've hovered around a 7 for the last few days, and am currently at about a 6. There are plenty of reasons I could give you for this escalation over what has become my typical rating of around 0-2. The one we're going to focus on today, though, is best described by my therapist (we'll call him Ned) as punishing myself for living in a house where I don't feel comfortable or safe and considering ending the relationship.

To combat this punishment, my therapist looked me square in the eyes and said, "Considering ending a relationship does not make you a bad person." I dropped my gaze. I didn't believe him. I'm still not sure I do. I argued that Matthew 5:21-30 (don't be impressed, I had to look up the reference) stated "that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (5:27), so even considering divorce is a sin.

So Ned asked me a question. "If a man is with his wife on the street and a pretty woman walks by, and he looks and thinks, 'Man, she's hot,' but stops himself from undressing her with his eyes, he's committing adultery?"

"No!" I was quick to reply. "He noticed her beauty, but he stopped himself from actually lusting after---" I cut myself off when I realized his point. Ned was asserting that there were different levels of thinking. That just thinking about divorce was not sinful the way noticing another woman's beauty was not sinful for a married man.

However, a married man undressing another woman with his eyes is sinful. And this is where the analogy falls apart for me: I'm not sure what the equivalent of undressing her with his eyes is for divorce. There is no intent on the man's part to actually physically cheat, only to fantasize. Yet, I don't think fantasizing about divorce is probably a realistic equivalent, on account of there's nothing lovely about it to fantasize about, at least from my perspective.

Still, I see Ned's point, at least in most cases. There are different levels of thinking about something, and thinking about sinning but choosing not to, is not a sin. So whatever you've been shaming yourself for that isn't a real sin - let it go. Please, if you haven't yet, don't let it lead you down a path of self-destructive shame, guilt, and perhaps self harm. And if you've already been down that path, know that there is redemption - there is always redemption.

There is always redemption. You are not beyond repair.

Bringing Suicide into the Spotlight

I was intrigued to learn that Miss Kansas is an army combat medic. I was excited to learn that she was refusing to cover her tattoos for the beauty pageant. I was ecstatic to learn that she's a Kansas State University student. But I nearly lost my ability to act like a sane human being when I learned that she was openly discussing her battle with bullying and suicidal thoughts while growing up.

See, Miss Kansas has the opportunity to speak out about mental health, bullying, and other important issues to a national audience. She has the opportunity to demonstrate to all of us that you CAN recover, that you CAN succeed, that you CAN become a strong, healthy woman after battling such issues. I'm unable to watch the show, but I really hope that she is taking this amazing opportunity. And I hope that she wins so that she can continue to inspire those of us who struggle to fight to get better.

Who do you know who has battled mental illness or other social issues and become a better person for it? How can you become a better person for your struggles?

One lesson we can all learn from Miss Kansas, win or lose, is this: Do not change who you are to fit someone else's standards. Ever.

Read more about Miss Kansas here.

National Suicide Prevention Day

Tomorrow, Tuesday, September 10th, is National Suicide Prevention Day. Please, wear orange or yellow in support.

"But that won't make any difference," you say. "Why not actually DO something?"

If you want to do more, please do. But if you're a little shy or uncertain what to do, at least wear the colors. Why? Because those of us who are suicide survivors or who regularly consider suicide will know why you're wearing yellow or orange. We will know that you care, even if you're not sure how to express it. We will know that we're not fighting this battle alone. And that, my friend, can make all the difference.

Please also send me pictures of your yellow and orange gear, or "Love" written on your arms, of any of the ways in which you "celebrate" National Suicide Prevention Day. I'd like to feature some of your ideas on this blog. Just email them to me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.

Love y'all!

Insecurity Can Kiss My....

Have you ever had one of those days where you're just anxious and insecure about everything? You're afraid to text your friends because you might be bothering them. You think that special guy/gal in your life is going to realize that you're not so special after all. You believe your parents are disappointed in you. You feel fat, dumb, clumsy, and generally inept.

I have. In fact, I'm having one of those days right now. And frankly, I'm struggling to kick insecurity's annoying little ass and get back to being awesome. So, I've come up with some thoughts for all of us struggling with insecurity. Here's hoping it helps you and me both!

I think the best way to kick insecurity's ass is to just prove to it that it has no hold. Text/call/IM/Facebook message someone. Anyone. In fact, message lots of people. When even one person responds for a second, that's evidence that you have friends, that you are worthy of response, that you matter.

Or maybe do something for somebody else. I mean, think about it, if you're insecure, there's somebody else who's insecure, too. So if you go do something nice for them, you'll help them kick their insecurity's ass, too!

Cuddle stuffed animals, live animals, or whichever friend lives closest. Cuddling actually has healing properties for depression, anxiety, etc. So do it.

Dance, run, do sit ups, anything that will get your heart rate up a bit. Endorphins are released when you exercise!

Read or watch something funny. Laughter actually is medicine.

Eat your favorite food (but in moderation of you're already feeling fat, cuz you don't want to make that feeling worse).

Okay, I'm off to try a few of these. Remember, if the anxiety, depression, or whatever gets to where you can't stand it, go to the emergency room or call 911. DO NOT let yourself turn to self harm of any kind.

Love you all.