Go. Live.

I just got home from my first ever graduation as a high school teacher. I hope that letting them go gets easier, but I have a sneaking suspicion it won't. My students quickly become my kids, so goodbye will always be hard.

This year's seniors put together a video of their photos and memories as a class. Part of the music was One Republic's "I Swear I Lived." I'd been hearing snippets of the song as they worked on the video, but as I listened today, I realized it was one of the most inspiring songs I've ever heard. This song encompasses everything I wish for these seniors: strength, love, pain with purpose, healing, living life to the fullest every single day.

More than just my seniors, I want these things for myself and everyone I know and love (including you). At the end of my life, I want to be able to say, "I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. With every broken bone, I swear I lived." I want to do what their graduation speaker advised: "Once you find what you're passionate about, do such a good job at it that people know you're passionate about it."

I want to live. 

Those of you who have been following me for awhile will know that those four words are the most important, most revolutionary words I've ever said, and I would not have said them two years ago. So thank you, seniors, students, colleagues, friends, family, and boyfriend, for helping me to start over and for teaching me not only how to live, but that living is a worthwhile pursuit.

Now, seniors: Go. Live.

School's Out! (Almost)

The end of the school year is upon us - can I get an Amen? Although the end of the school year is widely celebrated around the country (and world), it is also one of the times of highest stress among students, teachers, and parents. So, I'm going to talk to each of you. Even if you don't fit into any of these categories, listen up - you have friends who do.

Students - You are facing final exams and the consequences, good or bad, of those final grades. You are likely to be experiencing high levels of stress, resulting in disruptions in eating, sleeping, and socializing. This is bad enough if you're healthy. It is far worse if you're struggling with physical or mental health issues. To get through your finals, you need to reduce stress. See the end of this post for some strategies and links. Also know that your school (whether middle, high, or college) will have counselors or other resources for you, should you want or need more help than you can find on your own.

Particularly for those of us with mental health issues, the coming lack of schedule and potential increase in free time can be horrifying. For instance, my depression and anxiety combine to make me want to sleep all day, rather than face the daunting task of forming and following my own schedule. This, in turn, exacerbates my eating issues. So, if you have similar issues, I strongly encourage you to make a plan now. Ask trusted friends to help you create and stick to a schedule. Make practical, reachable goals for your summer. Do anything that might help you keep eating, keep moving, keep fighting to stay healthy (or start fighting, if you're not already).

Teachers - You are also facing final exams, albeit from the writing and grading side of things. This means that you are also facing having to deal with complaints from students and parents about those grades. As a teacher with a desk and email inbox both overflowing with things to grade, I fully understand. You should see the list of stress-busting ideas below.

As a teacher who struggles with various mental health issues, I know that this can be an extremely difficult time. See the stress-busting tips below. Also consider intentionally making time to interact with colleagues and friends outside of work during this time. You feel the busiest, but this is the time that you need socialization the most. It can make you feel less alone and force you to step away from work, even if only for a little while.

Parents - Bad news, when summer comes, your kids come home full time. This means you have to arrange for child care, if they are too young to stay alone, and worry about them being alone even if they are old enough. If your kids are teenagers, this likely also means some disagreements, to say the least. Sadly, I have not been blessed with children, so I can't offer suggestions with much authority here. What I will say is that my friends who are parents have emphasized over and over the need to create space for themselves to just be themselves without the stress of parenting. This might mean creating a weekly date night with your significant other, a daily Bible time where your family knows not to bother you, or five stolen minutes of reading before the baby starts screaming and you hear the teenager leave without permission. Whenever it is - make time for yourself. It may seem like a scheduling nightmare, but you'll thank me later, when you realize you've managed to cling to sanity. :)

Stress-Busting Links & Ideas

Since you're reading this, I presume you're spending a fair amount of time online, so give virtual bubblewrap, guided meditation, virtual stress ball, or just get some peace and quiet.

For offline de-stressing, try exercise, creating some kind of art, taking a bath, listening to your favorite music, or harmless destruction (such as tearing up paper).

Talk

This is written on my phone, so please forgive typos/autocorrect errors.

I spoke to two classes of preservice teachers today about mental health issues. It was amazing. Not only were these amazing future teachers respectful and responsive, they asked great questions and even shared some of their own stories. These are the kind of people we need teaching our children.

One student shared that a friend had showed her cuts on her arm in middle school, and she didn't know what to do. She now regrets doing nothing. This is why we must talk about mental health issues. By staying silent, you might save yourself some embarrassment and uncomfortable conversations and situations, but you may also cost someone else their health or even their life. Talk about it. Make yourself open. Let your friends, family, students, co-workers, whoever you're around, know that you're willing to talk and listen.

Now, let me leave you with some signs that someone is struggling with mental health on some level. If you notice these things, tell an adult, have a private conversation with the person, do something!

Sudden personality/activity changes
Ceasing communication/withdrawing
Wearing long sleeves in warm weather
Giving away personal belongings
Saying goodbye rather than goodnight, see you later, or other forms of salutation
Refusal to make long term/future plans
Sleeping more than usual
Not eating with other people
Academics slipping

As always, comment, use the contact box on the right, or e-mail me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. Love y'all!

National Suicide Prevention Day

Tomorrow, Tuesday, September 10th, is National Suicide Prevention Day. Please, wear orange or yellow in support.

"But that won't make any difference," you say. "Why not actually DO something?"

If you want to do more, please do. But if you're a little shy or uncertain what to do, at least wear the colors. Why? Because those of us who are suicide survivors or who regularly consider suicide will know why you're wearing yellow or orange. We will know that you care, even if you're not sure how to express it. We will know that we're not fighting this battle alone. And that, my friend, can make all the difference.

Please also send me pictures of your yellow and orange gear, or "Love" written on your arms, of any of the ways in which you "celebrate" National Suicide Prevention Day. I'd like to feature some of your ideas on this blog. Just email them to me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.

Love y'all!

Don't Touch the Apple

"It's one thing to not want something; it's another to be told you can't have it." 

- How I Met Your Mother, Season 7, Episode 12

Have you ever experienced this harsh reality? I have. I didn't want kids until I had to have a hysterectomy. Now, I really really want them. I didn't really want to go to my friends' parties or go dancing and such until I discovered that I have a husband is just pretty much never going to want to do those things. Now, it's my definition of fun.

What is it about those things we're told we can't have that makes them all the more enticing? Some people have told me that my desires for kids and socializing purely because I can't have them is a result of the Fall (of humankind, Adam & Eve, etc.). Not true. See, Adam and Eve were told not to eat the apple. They did. This is BEFORE the Fall, okay. There is simply something intrinsically interesting in what we can't have. I can't explain it. I can only say this: when you want something you've been told you can't have, slow down and take some time to make that decision. You can also try to find substitutes that might tide you over until the craving passes (just never try to substitute anything for chocolate - it's not worth it). For example, instead of rushing into adopting a baby, I got another kitten, who insists on waking me up periodically throughout the night, is extremely talkative, and chews on/eats everything in sight. In retrospect, a baby might have been the better choice there...

Wanting what I can't have also contributes greatly to my depression, self-injury, and suicidal tendencies. When I get wrapped up in mourning the one that got away, the babies I'll never have and hold, the farm I'll never have, and the husband's love I'm not likely to have, I begin to unravel. Those are times when I tend to self-injure in some way, whether visible or not, and often consider suicide. So, I haven't figured out how yet, but these are things I now know that I must not think about. For now, my temporary coping mechanism is to recite to myself all the bad things having that thing would/could bring. It's certainly not a permanent fix, and it may not even be truly healthy, but it keeps me safe for now.

What do you want that you can't have? How do you cope? Does it contribute to your health and safety issues? Comment here or shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.

Revelation

Have you ever had an experience that just changes the way you see everything? I had one of those moments yesterday, thanks to my therapist. We were discussing love. It was going about like I would have guessed. He was asking how I defined love, how I thought others did, etc. Then, he asked a question I never expected.

Therapist: So, what do you think of yourself?
Me: *after long pause* I guess....I don't like myself. I mean, I can see a couple good things, but, in general...

*Skip some conversation*

Therapist: You have worth, Nina; you have value. You just have to find it in yourself.

At this point, the room literally began to spin. I could not see straight. When I tried to look at something, it would move. The room was still spinning when he asked where I was on a scale of 1-10, 10 being super likely to cut due to being overwhelmed.

Me: 4. Definitely spinning, but I don't think bad spinning.
Therapist: So tell me what it's about.
Me: I'm just. I know what you said is true, but I'm trying to reconcile that with what I've done. I mean, on the one hand, I have value and worth. On the other hand, I've become a woman who has marriage issues and attempted suicide and cuts.
Therapist: I think you'll be able to reconcile that once you have moved away from it. I think that will happen once you encounter who you are. Not only what you've done, but who God says you are.

*Cue room spinning again.*

I think I have an amazing therapist. Couldn't ask for a better person to help me through this. I share this conversation because I suspect that many of you need to hear this as well. Now, let's be clear. My therapist made sure to remind me that he's not pushing me to shut everyone else out and only focus on me. No, he embraces the biblical model, "love your neighbor as yourself," but he points out that, for that model to work, you must first at least care about yourself, otherwise you have no love to give to your neighbor.

So, if you struggle with similar issues, I just want to take a moment to tell you:

You have value. You have worth. You need to fight to see yourself the way God sees you.

I'll post more on this as I go through the process. In the meantime, feel free click here to send me an email!

Beauty From Pain

Today, on the 23rd of April, I woke up to snow. I was not happy. As most of my friends can tell you, my take on snow is that it's beautiful so long as I don't have to touch it. Bad news, people, I had to touch it today, to scrape about two inches of it off of my car.

Then, I saw a photo a friend of mine posted.

Beautiful, right? I realized something, when I saw that photo. There is always beauty. Even in pain and confusion. So the next time someone or something hurts you, find a way to make something good come of it (the existence of this blog is a prime example). The next time you're not sure what the next step should be, pause, take a look around, and see the beauty of the moment, confusing though it may be. 

This is not to say that you should just sit still when confusion hits. Pray, seek wise counsel, consult your Bible, and then do something - the best option you can find - unless you specifically hear from God to wait. Do not let fear of doing the wrong thing keep you from doing anything at all.

This is also not to say that you should just always act and see what happens. If you are unsure, pray without ceasing; consult wise, Godly people; and then take a conservative step and see what happens. Again, this blog is a great example. I felt called to start a ministry, but unsure of what or how to do it. So I prayed. I read. And then I sent emails to a couple of trusted pastors and started this blog. These are conservative steps. If I found out I was not supposed to have this particular ministry at this time, a blog is easy to put on hold, and pastors tend to be understanding when it comes to God's speaking into lives. 

What kind of beauty is in your current circumstance? Leave a comment or click here to shoot me an email. I love hearing from you!

Take a Deep Breath

Happy Friday, y'all!

I'm sure some of you can relate to the relief I feel at the prospect of a day off. This has been a week during which I have struggled to remember that God is the center of the universe, not anyone else. I think this is a combination of my codependent tendencies and the fact that our culture tells us that falling in love means that the person we love becomes the very center of our universe. The truth, though, is that, in love or not, the center of our world should be God. If the center is anyone or anything else, we're destined for depression, disappointment, or worse.

Now, most of us can't take days off very often, so below I've compiled a list of shorter-term breaks that I use quite frequently. If you have a pair of headphones, they're even work friendly. Please check these out the next time you feel overwhelmed, stressed, or spinning out of control.

No More Voices - Where you share your doubts, fears, etc, and learn that other people feel the same way.

The Quiet Place - Here, you simply relax, with some guidance. It's truly incredible.

The Thoughts Room - You can type out all of your thoughts and watch them just disappear. Nobody sees them, nobody responds, you just get to release all of those thoughts spinning in your head.

The Dreams Room - Need help keeping your dreams in focus? Check this out. It is a bit "me-focused" but the general concept is definitely important.

90 Second Relaxation Exercise - Short on time? Take just 90 seconds to try this out. You'll feel better, I swear.

Semicolon Project Day Wrapup

On Tuesday, I celebrated Semicolon Day. There is a Facebook page and a Tumblr dedicated to it, along with other sites, I'm sure. Just Google "Semicolon Project" and you'll find information. The basic gist is that, on April 16th, those of us who struggle with depression, self-injury, eating disorders, and/or have attempted suicide drew semicolons on our wrists. The semicolon indicates a place where the author could have placed a period, but chose to continue the sentence with a semicolon instead. In other words, we've all had the opportunity to end our lives, but have, for whatever reason, chosen to go on.

I asked y'all to send me photos, and some of you did! So, here is the photo collage from Semicolon Day. Be warned that there are some visible scars/healing wounds, so it could be triggering. However, I think it's worth the risk, because the message of the Semicolon Project is so important. Anyway, sorry this is a day late, but, as many of you know, I'm not super tech-savvy. Read on below the photo for my brief, but awesome, Semicolon Day story.

On Semicolon Day, one of my students asked what the semicolons were about. I explained the concept to him without revealing my personal reasons for participating. However, he had noticed the wounds from my suicide attempt earlier when I pulled up my sleeves out of habit (our workspace is incredibly warm). So, I told him that my participation in Semicolon Day explained those wounds. He looked a bit stunned and asked why. When we finished talking, he left to read this blog for more info, but before he left, he folded his hands in front of his chest and said, "I'll be prayin'." Those three words have never meant more.

When Someone You Love Tries to Die/Cuts/Starves

I've noticed that lots of you dear readers are friends and family members of people who struggle with depression, self injury, eating disorders, or even who have attempted suicide. So, I figured it was high time to address some of the most common questions or confusions that arise when a friend or family member reveals their struggle.

First, let's talk about the word "normal." When I first began actually processing my self-injury issues, I kept thinking that I wasn't "normal." I also heard that from people who were hearing about my struggle, that they thought I was "normal" and were shocked that I had struggles. So, here's the thing, it is NORMAL to have struggles. Some people struggle with alcohol, driving too fast, insecurities about their relationships, or overwhelming financial concerns, just to name a few. In fact, it is less normal not to struggle (although, if you sincerely do not struggle, kudos!). The difference, for those of us in the self-injury, eating disorder, or suicide survivors clubs is that our struggles are not socially acceptable. However, it is normal to struggle with the things that lead us to attempt suicide, cut, burn, starve, purge, etc.

Now, that being said, I will never argue that our methods of coping are healthy. They aren't. Labeling those who have attempted suicide or any form of self injury as "abnormal" does nobody any good, though. Realize that, although our outlets for our emotions are not socially acceptable, we need to know that the things we struggle with (weight, relationships, academics, etc.) are normal things to struggle with.

Second, and most importantly, it's not your fault, but you can still do something about it. Maybe the person will even tell you that something you did or didn't do contributed to their cutting, purging, or suicide attempt, but, while you should own your actions, you are not responsible for how they chose to act out their feelings. Please understand that.

So how do you help? I wish there was an easy answer for that, but it largely depends on the situation. Here are some basics to start with:

**Ask questions and then listen. It is tempting to interrupt their answer with expressions of surprise, disdain, etc., but resist that urge.

**Ask what they need. For instance, I need people to check in on me randomly and often. The more connection I have with people, the less likely I am to slip up. Ask those questions.

**And then do it - the worst thing you can do is ask and then not follow through.

**My final bit of advice - do not suddenly pull yourself out of their lives. As overwhelming as it may be, telling someone you'll be there for them and then suddenly deciding to disappear can create major issues - it helped precipitate my suicide attempt. So, if you need to dial back your involvement, be honest about that, but do not - I repeat, do not - remove yourself entirely. If, for some reason, you do need to exit their life, do so very gradually and very sensitively. You do not want to wind up the reason they relapsed into whatever their addiction is.

If you have any more questions, please don't hesitate to click here to email me. If I don't have the answers, I'm happy to help you find the right resource!

Semicolon Day - DO IT!

My mind is currently overloaded by several things, but I wanted to just tell y'all about a cool thing happening tomorrow. April 16th is apparently semicolon day. Now, before you tune out, this isn't an English nerd thing. Semicolon day simply involves drawing a semicolon on yourself in a visible place if you deal with depression or any form of self-injury or suicidal thoughts/attempts. Why? Because the semicolon represents a place where the author could have chosen to end it, but chose instead to go on. Those of us who suffer these issues must make that choice every day. So, tomorrow, on April 16th, draw a semicolon to represent your continuing story and to raise awareness of these issues, which our society so often refuses to discuss.

Send me pictures of your semicolons, people! (Even if you don't happen to do them on the right day - just do them whenever and send me pics!) Here's the email address to send them to: hopeforsi@hotmail.com

The Hard Truths

Have you ever been talking to someone and they give you a piece of advice that stings? A piece of advice you'd rather just ignore, but it nags at you because, deep down, you know it's true?

This happened to me a few days ago, when a friend told me "You're putting too much stock in human relationships. You need to focus on you and God." At first, I dismissed it. After all, I know who defines me, but I also love people. Nothing wrong with that, right? But it kept eating at me. I couldn't get the comment out of my mind, so, finally, I prayed about it. And the answers was crystal clear: I need to eliminate my reliance on people and myself and rely solely on God.

This is not an easy thing to do. But, then, very few things I've done in my life have been easy. Even the stupid choices have been difficult. However, a friend reminded me this morning of Matthew 17:20 "'For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.'" Now, I don't think Jesus actually meant for us to move mountains for the fun of it (although how cool would that be!), just that a little faith goes a long way. 

Already, I feel different, better, somehow. While I think about self-injuring and suicide on a regular basis, they are no longer serious options very often. While I think about the people I love quite often, and even people I love less than I should, their actions, feelings, thoughts, etc., are already having less impact on me. It's slow going, and I know there will be setbacks, but I feel well on my way to being a new person. All because a friend was brave enough to tell me the hard truth.

Need to chat about some hard truths in your life? Click to send me an email!

Learning to Listen

How many times do you have to hear the same advice before you decide that it's actually God speaking to you? Or that it's wise advice? Or that it's what you need to do?

Sometimes, the hardest thing for those of us who are struggling with depression and the myriad of related issues (self injury, suicide, eating disorders, etc.) is listening to advice. We're so down that we struggle to take advice or to discern the difference between good advice and bad. Sometimes, though, you hear the same advice so many times that you could recite it in your sleep. Maybe you even consider doing it. But then, someone you never expected gives you the same advice. And suddenly, you sit up and listen. Suddenly, you realize that you need to take this advice. Suddenly, you understand that this is not just people talking to you, it's God.

That's what has happened to me, culminating in a friend at the yard sale hearing my story and giving me the same advice I've heard a million times. This time, I really heard it. This time, I'm really trying to work through that advice and its practical implications.

What advice have you been hearing that you need to listen to more closely?

As always, click to email me if you like!

Just Do It

Sometimes, the smallest gesture can change someone's day and, thereby, someone's life. Like my friend Nick choosing to respond to my suicidal messages. Like a former colleague sending me a video of my favorite actor singing a beautiful song. Like a random gift, call, text, or visit.

These small things don't just make a difference to the person receiving them. They can make an enormous difference to the person giving as well. When I'm having a rough day (or week, month, year, life...) I try to do something for someone else. Especially if I haven't gotten one of those small gestures in awhile. It makes me feel like my life matters, in some small way.

Give it a try. Do something kind, something small, for someone else. You never know whose life you'll save.

Humor

My apologies for not posting yesterday. I've gotten a bit busy with school lately. It's that time of year!

So, I'm also copping out for today and posting a fun story for you. (Although, seriously, laughter is awesome medicine.) I asked my friend, Rich, for a fun bedtime story to distract me from my cutting/suicidal urges. No man I have asked has ever been able to respond with a story, so I expected the standard “I don’t know one” or “I don’t do well when I’m on the spot” or, at best, a rehashed classic. Instead, I got this original masterpiece:

Once upon a time there were two squirrels.

One was named Bob and one was named James.

They were the best of friends.

They knew that spring was coming to their neck of the woods, and they were excited.

Bob was excited to not have to eat nuts from the beginning of the winter. He was really jazzed about the prospect of fresh nuts.

James was excited about stealing food from the bird feeders.

He couldn’t understand why people were so dumb that they put bird feeders out where squirrels (like himself) could get to them.

Well, finally spring did come and James and Bob enjoyed their individual favorite things.

Unfortunately for both of the squirrels, there were negative effects of both the things they were doing.

Bob got so fat on fresh nuts that he couldn’t move and had to be rolled everywhere he went.

He eventually went to the Big Oak Tree in the sky because not only could he not walk… but he could not feed himself.

James found a bird feeder that had all of the choicest bird foods in it and he ate there whenever he could.

Unfortunately for him, the humans that own that particular feeder have a vendetta against squirrels, and one day they poisoned the food.

Needless to say, James went to see his best buddy Bob and all of the humans on earth lived happily ever after without all of the the dumb squirrels running around.

The End

What Defines You?

I've written, briefly, of defining scars before. I hope you won't find me repetitive, but this is the most important lesson I have ever learned, and so I have a strong desire to share it with you.

I have lots of scars. They come from self-injury, sheer clumsiness, surgeries, accidents, and childhood play that got out of hand. There are also the emotional scars left by past loves, well-intentioned family members and friends, death, and just plan mean actions. Then, there are the scars yet to come: my still forming suicide attempt scars, those inevitable emotional scars, and, without a doubt, more scars from sheer clumsiness.

Odds are, you have lots of scars, too. Scars of all kinds, shapes, and sizes.

But here's the cool thing. While our scars help tell our stories, they do not have to define who we are. I have chosen to let someone else's scars define me. Let me tell you my favorite story about him.

This man was a leader, although a controversial one. So, when a woman was caught sleeping around, the other leaders brought her to him to see what he'd say about it. He ignored them, essentially, and told them that any of them who had never done wrong could punish her as he saw fit. None of them could make that claim, and so he told the woman she was free to go. He assigned no punishment. But he told her not to do it again. See, she was guilty, and he knew it. What's more, he had the power and authority to punish her. But he chose to let her go. To give her a second (or third, fourth, fifth?) chance.

Cool guy, right? Many of you have guessed by now that I'm talking about a man named Jesus. (Full story in John 8:1-11). He was brutally murdered by being nailed to a cross (a common punishment at the time, which makes me glad I didn't live back then). The thing is, he was innocent. He had done nothing wrong. He was murdered, essentially, because he made the other leaders uncomfortable (and because he had to, but maybe we'll discuss that later).

Are you getting this? An innocent man, who knew that he'd be killed without cause, chose to let guilty people, like the woman who'd been sleeping around, go free, unpunished, for a second chance. He took their punishment, and then some. Why? Because he was, is, the Son of God, and he wants us to be reunited in Heaven. All you have to do is believe that he came to earth, lived a perfect life, died on the cross, and rose again - all to save you and me from our wrongs, our sins. (See Acts 16:30-31)

His scars define us, not our own. How blood, his scars more than cover mine as well as yours, if you'll let him. Click here to email me if you have questions about this. I don't know much, but I'm willing to talk and to refer you to someone who can answer your questions if I can't. Happy Easter, all!

Hope

First of all, thank you to those of you who have contacted me with concern and words of encouragement. Let me assure that I am no longer suicidal and I am seeking the help that I need.

Now, I'm keeping this post short because, frankly, I need a mental break tonight. I just want to post a scripture that I stumbled upon in my reading last night. I hope it is as helpful to you as it has been to me this week.

"I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14 (the emphasis is mine)

As always, leave me a message or click to email me.

Love y'all!

The Rainbow After the Storm

I'm still processing "the storm" referenced in the title of this entry. So, we'll focus on the rainbow.

Last night was rough, to say the least. Until a guy I hardly knew, and who I certainly never expected to respond to my message, responded. We'll call him Nick. He encouraged me. He asserted  that there was good in this world, even for me, at a time when I truly didn't believe it. And, in part because it was coming from someone who was not extremely close to me, I believed him.

Have you ever experienced the strange phenomenon of trusting people who don't know you more than those who do? There is just something about a stranger telling you things.... My loved ones, my close friends, I know they want me here and that they want me to stop self-injuring, so of course they will say things like, "There's always hope." But someone who has no vested interest in my life? They must be saying it because it's true. (Or at least that's how my thought process went last night.)

Let's be clear about the nature of this "rainbow," though. My depression is not over. My self-injury temptations are still there. The rainbow is simply the ability to see that there is some good in this life, even if I don't know what it is just yet.

So, hang in there, Loves, your rainbow is coming.

Let's Chat

Sorry for the late post. I've been fighting with myself over what to post for y'all here. See, I want to be strong for all of you, but I can only do that by being honest, which means, sometimes, by being weak.

Today, I relapsed due to some of the realities of my life at the moment. I knew that I should post about it here, but I fought it. Why? Because I want to be better. Because I want you to feel like you can come to me, and I feared you wouldn't come to me if I still struggled. Silly, I know. I realized that when I saw a quote posted by Hope Inside Love, which read "You were born to be real, not perfect," attributed to Erika Linder.

So here I am, with a fresh bandage on my arm, being real with you. I still struggle. I do not have this down pat. I have some fantastic strategies for recovery, but there will still be relapses while I muddle through it. I just want to start the conversation, particularly in organized religion, that will eventually help people like me to recover. You see, I think one of the reasons we have such an epidemic of self-injury is that we don't talk about it. So, get talking.

Coping

Let's be honest. For those of us attempting to recover from various forms of self-injury (eating disorders included), some days aren't about getting better, they're about making it through. However, I urge you to choose your coping mechanisms carefully.

Here are my rules for selecting coping mechanisms:

1. It cannot be another form of self-harm. A friend, with totally good intentions, suggested once that I snap myself with rubber bands. To me, this is nothing more than another, albeit less likely to scar, form of self-injury.
2. It cannot be potentially dangerous to others. I used to drive fast, really fast, down back roads. The danger to myself would never keep me from doing it. However, the potential danger to others was enough to stop me.
3. It must be reasonable. While skydiving would probably be an awesome way of coping, I can't go do it at the drop of a hat.
4. It must not be regrettable. I love tattoos. I have one and I have two more planned. However, getting a tattoo as a coping mechanism is setting yourself up to become addicted to tattoos as a method of self-injury. Plus, spur of the moment tattoos are nearly always regrettable. If you want them, plan them out well in advance and get them when you're calm.
5. If at all possible, it should be constructive. For example, if I can cope by painting, writing, volunteering, or getting something off my to-do list, I do. This way, you not only cope but do something positive in the process.
6. When possible, it should be something that naturally helps lift depression. I work out, which releases endorphins, or go tanning, which gives me a boost of vitamin D. 

Have other rules for choosing coping mechanisms or suggestions for positive methods of coping? Leave them in the comments or message me if you know me off the blog!