Don't Ask Me How I Know

It's been a long time since I posted, but a pastor friend of mine is still sharing this link, so I thought I'd check it out and found this post in my drafts. Please, if you're looking for a place where I keep in better contact, check out my new site, See Mo Write, which also has a Facebook page.

Awhile back, I was packing things up and found a senior memory book that listed "Don't Ask Me How I Know" as my favorite song. I didn't remember the song, so I looked it up on YouTube.

It inspired me to think of all the things I'll tell my kids if I'm ever lucky enough to have them, that I won't want them to ask for the story about. So, here's my own list:

Don't Ask Me How I Know
Don't buy a car - or anything for that matter - unless you're sure you need it.
Take pictures, and keep them.
Keep phone numbers, even if you fight.
When you can't say anything to make it better, just shut up.
Don't cut class.
Call your grandma, even after she doesn't know who you are.
Say no if you don't want to, aren't interested, don't have time, or don't support the thing.
Slow down.
Practice.
Be single for awhile.
Hug your brother, even if he hates it.
Talk about the hard things.
Sometimes, you have to ignore authority if you know it's wrong.

Letting Go

Tonight, I accepted my sister-in-law's invitation to a Bible study with a bunch of people I'd never met that would require me to drive 20 minutes each way. This is not something my introvert self would normally do. Especially not now, when the stress and pain in my life is ridiculous. Normally, I'd be circling the wagons and hermiting it up. 

So what was different? 

It's simple: I'm lonely. I'm alone. I don't think I've ever really been honest about that before. And this time, I'm not only being honest about it, I'm fixing it. 

There is no reason a grown woman like myself should be lonely or alone--with or without a relationship. So I am learning to say yes to social engagements that could be good for me (and no to those that wouldn't). I'm learning to ask for help or a shoulder to cry on when I need it. And most importantly for me, I'm making an intentional effort to grow in my faith. 

So how are you? Sound off in the comments or shoot me an email or Facebook message. Love you all!!

On Good Days

I think one of the hardest and most surreal parts of depression is that you'll have good moments when you feel light and cheerful and even laugh like normal with your friends. Sometimes, those moments will even stretch into a good day.

But you can't let your guard down.

Because if you stop taking your medication, working out, journaling, or doing whatever it is that you do to help keep depression at bay, it will overwhelm you again. It will swallow you whole because you will not be on your guard and you will skip your morning workout to get some extra sleep, only to discover that nothing seems quite as bright as yesterday.

Today was a good day. So, let's be honest, this entry is probably more for me than you. Because tomorrow is Friday, and it's been an absolutely draining two weeks at work. So I will want to sleep in instead of work out. And I know that, if I do, I will regret it because depression, that sneaky little bastard, will sneak up and throw a giant wet blanket on my day.

Don't let your guard down, loves. Stay alert, stay active, and stay focused on winning this battle. We've got this.

Five Tips for Dealing with Depression

If you missed my last post, let me catch you up by telling you that I'm once again experiencing severe depression. Yes, I will be seeing someone for it (only admitted it to myself yesterday), and yes, I have excellent coping mechanisms in the meantime, which is what I'm telling you about today. **Note: These tips do not replace professional counseling or, in some cases, medication.**

First Tip: Make A Schedule
Last night, my boyfriend made me make a list of things I needed to do today. He added things, including "get up no later than 7," "workout," and "write or paint" (which is partially why I'm writing this blog).

Second Tip: Find Someone to Hold You To It
In my case, my boyfriend made sure I was up, that I worked out, and helped me when I couldn't make a decision on what to do next, even with the list right in front of me. (That indecisiveness is one of those side effects of depression that nobody talks about.) However, it takes a village, and I have four people close to me who know my diagnosis and are helping me cope.

Third Tip: Go Outside
My boyfriend and I made sure this was part of my schedule. If it's sunny, this could mean taking work out onto the porch to do. But even just getting outside to go get groceries gives you a small dose of Vitamin D and some movement.

Fourth Tip: Work Out
This is what my boyfriend had me do first thing when I got up. Not because he wants me to look a certain way, but because he knew what I'm about to tell you: Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins help fight depression.

Fifth Tip: Connect
Making connections with people, even meaningless little jokes with your cashier, can help lift your mood. If at all possible, do this in person - handshakes, hugs, and other physical touch can be very good for you. However, even on-line can work if it's a connection with a genuine friend who you actually have honest conversations with on-line.

Falling Back In

Today, I've managed to shower, get dressed, walk next door to church, walk home, change into comfy clothes, start laundry, and now write this. 

Given that, last night, I took every available online depression test in hopes of finding just one that told me I was alright, only to be met with a constant result of severe/clinical/"see someone immediately" depression, that's quite a feat. And now I want a nap. Because the looming to-do list no longer urges me to do anything. 

I'm bad again. Maybe you are, too. But we'll get through this. We have to. We're survivors. 

Ponderings

I apologize for my long absence. I've never before understood Mary so well when Luke 2:19 days she "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." I realize this is a mental health blog, so hang with me. We're getting there. 

My grandpa has been having a rough go of it, medically speaking, and the resulting stresses on my family have been extreme at times. I have been left pondering God's will as well as what my grandpa would want. 

My long-distance, interfaith, interracial relationship always brings its own unique set of things to ponder, chiefly, again, God's will, but also what my boyfriend wants and how he and his family feel about things. 

Work is a mine field of ponderings, including how or why people can intentionally choose to mistreat a child, how I can help that child, what administration this or wants, what parents want or need, etc. 

A few nights ago, I called my boyfriend. I was completely shut down over some of those work ponderings. He proceeded to remind me of a very basic mental health lesson I needed to relearn: boundaries. 

Certainly I am free to be frustrated, scared, angry, sad, or any other emotion I choose. But my boyfriend asked me a very important question: Is it helping you to think about it right now?

If you can leave your stress and tension at work/school, do it. Use the ride home to work it through in your head and then be done. I've been much more carefree since taking his advice. Because you and I can choose to control our stress levels, so let's do it. 

Purpose - Finding a reason to live.

Remember that post, the one from forever ago about moving on? Well, here's your third installment. I do apologize for the long delay between postings. I'm currently trying to finish my doctoral degree, teach full time, obtain teacher certification through a transition to teaching program, start up a new business, and hang out with you all on the blog - all at the same time! It makes today's post on finding your purpose extremely timely.

Finding purpose is arguably the most important component of the healing journey. Particularly for those of us who have struggled with depression, suicide, and anxiety, purpose can be the thing that keeps us going when those rough days roll back around. And they will roll back around.

But how do you find purpose?
Purpose needs to be something that will get you out of bed in the morning. Something that will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Something to remind yourself of on those hard days, when nothing seems right.

As you begin to contemplate your purpose, let me offer a few cautions:
1. Your purpose is not a person. In this broken world, people leave, people die, people hurt us, in short, people are imperfect and they will not be consistent enough to serve as your purpose.
2. Your purpose is not a job. Now, hear me on this - there is a difference between a job and a calling. Your purpose is not to obtain that promotion or to get any job that makes enough money. Your purpose could then be fulfilled at some point and you would have no reason to continue.
3. Your purpose is not material. The next iPhone, bigger TV, or fastest car is not your purpose. Again, once you obtain the material thing, then what?

Your purpose must be more. It must be positive. It must drive you. Consider what you get excited about, what lights a fire in you? I discovered my purpose when I began to realize that I got excited, angry, and upset the most quickly when discussing how people were treating other people. Therefore, my purpose is to help others and to facilitate treating others well, to make the world a nicer, friendlier place.

But what happens on those days when your purpose isn't working out? For me, it's the days when I see my students relentlessly picking on one another. That's where the reason behind your purpose has to come into play. For me, that reason is my faith. After all, the most important command for Christians is "Love your neighbor as yourself." More than that, though, I remind myself that not everything is awful, and that God has promised good to me (and to you!).

What's your purpose? Comment below or shoot me a message. I'd love to hear from you!

Counseling - Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How

Welcome back, y'all! (Okay, so I know it's me who's been gone. Sorry!) The school year has started up again, and so I've neglected the blog for a bit. But I'm back!

Last time, we talked about moving on. If you missed it, just click here! There's even a fun video.

Today, we address the first thing on the list for moving on: counseling.

Who?
I know it can be tempting to think that talking to your trusted friends is good enough. And for some of you, that may be true. However, please consider the following before deciding to rely solely on friends for counseling.

• Confessing your deepest darkest secrets to your friends might feel good for you, but it can take a toll on them, too. Especially things that were scary or painful for you. Sometimes, those things are even more painful for them, because they don't know how to help.
• Some things, especially trauma, require someone with training. These are complex issues and, tempting as it may be to try to untangle them on your own or with friends, most trauma really does require expert help.

Once you've decided that you need someone more than your friends, who do you go to? To be honest, I lucked out and found my counselor by simply Googling for counselors in my city. Do be sure to read reviews, though. While not completely reliable, too many bad reviews of a particular counselor could be a red flag. If faith is important to you, simply add the name of your faith to the search. Also, check with your insurance company to make sure the counselor is covered.

When you call to schedule your appointment, you can request a specific counselor, let the receptionist know which gender of counselor you prefer, or just ask to try whichever counselor has the first opening. You can always change counselors, so look at the first appointment as a trial run.

What?
So you've found a counselor to try and called to set up the appointment. Now what?

Waiting and trying to imagine what the appointment will be like can be anxiety-inducing. But relax. Honestly, I went into my first appointment with a million and one things I thought I wanted to tell the counselor or that I thought he would ask of me. I probably caused myself more worry thinking about it than necessary.

In reality, the first appointment will usually consist of the counselor asking you to tell him/her about yourself and why you decided to enter counseling. After that, the route of the counseling will vary based on your needs, your counselor's preferences, and the purpose of the counseling. Mine often consisted of anxiety techniques, trauma debriefing, self-defense strategies, and just talking about life and what was going on. It was not overwhelming or intimidating, and I always felt better when I left.

When?
Putting off counseling out of fear is easy to do. I tried counseling once, with devastating results (I cannot emphasize switching counselors until you find one that is right for you), and then put off counseling again until I attempted suicide and my friend forced me to attend counseling.

If you are reading this and considering counseling, the answer is now. You are considering it for a reason. You owe yourself the chance.

Where?
In small towns, counseling can be a little scary. What if you run into someone you know? What if your friend sees your car there? I solved this problem by simply parking in the back, but also, don't be afraid to explore nearby towns, just don't find a counselor so far away that you'll be tempted to skip appointments.

Why?
I've had friends tell me that they had considered counseling, but didn't feel that they had a good enough reason. The truth is, if you're considering counseling, you probably need it. Counseling is helpful for a variety of issues, from feeling overwhelmingly stressed out by school to considering suicide. If you're thinking about it, you owe yourself a trial run.

How?
But how do you pay for counseling? After all, it can get expensive. I can't say that I have all of the answers, but here are the ways I managed to make it affordable on a grad student budget.

• Insurance - Grad student insurance sucked, but it did still cut down the cost some. I paid about $25-30 per visit.
• Student Counseling - My university offered free counseling. I did not stay there because I saw an overtaxed system and knew I could afford to pay for counseling to free up space for students who could not. Check your university; if you are faculty/staff/student, they likely offer some sort of free or cheap counseling.
• Counselors in Training - My last, and best, counselor was completing his clinical hours toward his master's degree. He was not covered by insurance until he completed those hours, and so the clinic he worked with only charged a total of $30 per hour. It's a long shot, but when calling counseling centers, you can always ask if they have anyone in a similar situation. 

The bottom line is this: If you are considering counseling, try it. Even if it is a little pricey, it could quite literally save your life. You can't put a price tag on that.

Stay healthy, friends, and feel free to sound off in the comments if you have any tips or tricks for finding and affording the right counselor!

How Do I Move On?

At some point, you'll look up from the aftermath of your abuse, self-injury, suicide attempt, or whatever your difficult life circumstance is and wonder: Where do I go from here? How do I move on? How do I get better?

First, know that these are important questions to ask, and a sure sign of healing. You don't start to ask these questions until you feel that you are out of immediate danger. You, my friend, have successfully transitioned from survival to healing. Take a moment to celebrate that! (I am not responsible for any injuries sustained by trying to match these slick dance moves.)

Feels good, right?! Now, let's get down to business. You're ready to move on, but where, exactly, do you move to? Here are my top four suggestions, which I'll expand on in my next few posts. Stay tuned!

1. Counseling - Professional is best, but other trusted advisors will do in a pinch. More on locating the right counselor (and affording counseling) soon.
2. Purpose - Find a reason to live, something that drives you and inspires you. Again, ideas coming if you lack a place to start. 
3. Community - As someone with social anxiety, I understand that this can be difficult, but the fact of the matter is: people need people. Find a loving, accepting, healthy community to plug into.
4. Grace - Offer grace to yourself, first and foremost, but also to others. 

Go. Live.

I just got home from my first ever graduation as a high school teacher. I hope that letting them go gets easier, but I have a sneaking suspicion it won't. My students quickly become my kids, so goodbye will always be hard.

This year's seniors put together a video of their photos and memories as a class. Part of the music was One Republic's "I Swear I Lived." I'd been hearing snippets of the song as they worked on the video, but as I listened today, I realized it was one of the most inspiring songs I've ever heard. This song encompasses everything I wish for these seniors: strength, love, pain with purpose, healing, living life to the fullest every single day.

More than just my seniors, I want these things for myself and everyone I know and love (including you). At the end of my life, I want to be able to say, "I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. With every broken bone, I swear I lived." I want to do what their graduation speaker advised: "Once you find what you're passionate about, do such a good job at it that people know you're passionate about it."

I want to live. 

Those of you who have been following me for awhile will know that those four words are the most important, most revolutionary words I've ever said, and I would not have said them two years ago. So thank you, seniors, students, colleagues, friends, family, and boyfriend, for helping me to start over and for teaching me not only how to live, but that living is a worthwhile pursuit.

Now, seniors: Go. Live.

On Difficult Conversations

Anxiety has a funny way of making every conversation difficult. While many of my friends, family, and colleagues can easily pick up the phone to order pizza or call to tell their parents that they've met someone, I struggle to even send a Facebook message. Then, when I've put off that conversation for too long, I worry that the person I need to talk to will be angry that I've put it off, so I put it off again in hopes of avoiding the confrontation. (See the vicious cycle?)

I'd be lying if I said I've learned how to break the vicious cycle completely. There are still things I haven't told my parents that I really want/need to. But I have found some baby steps that help. For one, I call my parents more often now. I vent about work. I ask for their help and advice. I'm making clear attempts to open up lines of communication. I even mention my depression and anxiety when it's relevant to a story. To be honest, I'm hoping that this will eventually prompt them to ask me questions about my life so that I don't have to just say it on my own.... but even if they don't, it will hopefully feel less awkward when I finally open up.

Roots

When I first got divorced, my farm girl instincts kicked in. I wanted to be home. I grew up tied to the land and, in times of stress, I want to go back to the land I remember so fondly. (Un)fortunately, I couldn't go home after the divorce. I found a job at a tiny rural school, though, and decided that would have to be close enough for now. Still, I had my sights set on returning home, eventually.  As I close in on the one year anniversary of accepting this job at a school that (at the time) seemed so far from home, I've come to realize a lot about the meaning of the word "home."

The other day, someone I care about very deeply challenged me to open myself up to possibilities - including the possibility of someday moving even farther from home. My first reaction was an immediate, harsh, resounding "NO!" Within the next few days, I was feeling homesick and decided to plant my garden. As I was digging my hands into the dark clay, it occurred to me that I have made my home in multiple places. Why, then, am I so set on living as close to my original home as possible? As I worked the soil at my new(ish) home, I realized that I could be at home anywhere, so long as I was able to live in a place with some space and get my hands dirty.

See, home is not a place. As much as it pains my farm girl heart to say so, home has no connection to land. Home is not even another person, as I've seen so many young romantics post lately. Home is where you are, because if you are happy, if you are content with yourself and can appreciate the good things in any location, then you are home. And I am very happy to say that, finally, I am home.

5 Keys to Healing: Two Years Later

It's hard to believe that it's been two years since I chose life. (Click here if you want to read the story of that day.) Over the past two years, I've learned, grown, hurt, been to therapy, gotten a divorce, taken a new job, made new friends....long story short, it's been a busy two years. I've made many mistakes, but that's how people learn. Now, in the hopes of helping you to skip at least some of the painful learning, here are the most important things I've learned over two year journey to health and happiness.

1. You need to be a little selfish. I'm not advocating self-centeredness as a lifestyle, but you need to carve out time for yourself. That could mean making time to work out, or paint, or write, or whatever hobby you're into. You might also need to let yourself make that education- or work-related decision that's best for you, no matter what others might think. You have to be selfish sometimes to maintain your mental, physical, and spiritual health.

2. Decide for yourself what the little things are and then refuse to allow them to stress you out. As someone with anxiety, this was the most difficult task and took me the longest. I had to decide that what people thought of me, how my hair looked, and whether or not I was in a relationship just didn't matter. I was enough as I was, on my own.

3. Get moving! Although I was reluctant to admit it, my physical health directly impacted my mental and spiritual health. I am much healthier in all aspects when I am running regularly. Not only is my body functioning better, which improves mental health, but I have that alone time to think, work through things, pray, etc. 

4. Make a list (but don't overwhelm yourself). I find that listing everything I need to do is helpful in keeping me functioning, even on my most depressed days. However, if something doesn't need to be done immediately, I either put it way far down on the list or leave it off for the moment. This way, I can easily see what needs done and keep moving. This also allows me to easily switch tasks when I get bored or just need a shift. Bonus tip: If you're unmotivated and can't get moving, pick something that you think you can do in one minute or less and do it. After all, an object in motion stays in motion!

5. Be honest. Clearly, this is a good rule regardless, but specifically, be honest with a few key people who are around you every day about what you are going through. This will allow them to step in when someone else says or does something that could be triggering or just plain unhelpful. For instance, I work with middle school and high school students. The boys, especially, like to sneak up behind you and scare you. For various reasons, this can (and often does) send me into a panic attack. By telling a few key people about my healing process, I ensure that someone can take over and reassure the students if I do have a panic attack due to a (typically) harmless prank. 

Roaring Like a Lion

Recently, I've been fighting to get myself healthier - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'll write more about this process later, as I know it's a common goal, particularly for those of us who struggle with mental illness. For now, a little on the struggle for spiritual health.

As often happens to us when we're busy, mildly depressed, and just not feeling connected, I drifted away from church. Now, don't misunderstand me. Going to church makes you spiritually healthy about as well as standing in the produce section makes you physically healthy. You can't just attend, you have to do something. So, while I'm in church, I write. I absorb what's being said around me, but I don't actually process it in a useful way unless I write. I knew a guy once who doodled all through the sermon, but by the end actually knew what had been said. You find your own way, but realize that you must do something with what you hear there. (Even if you disagree.)

So, I went back to church. Below are some notes I wrote up after church recently. I thought these were interesting, so I decided to share with you.

"My God's not dead, He's surely alive. He's livin' on the inside, roarin' like a lion." From "God's Not Dead" by The Newsboys

If you haven't heard the song I took that quote from, click play. Seriously worth your time.

When I heard God compared to a lion, as I have my whole life, I guess I assumed it was because he was King and ferocious and such. Then, for some reason, the speaker's mention of The Newsboys' song made me wonder - why does a lion roar? Turns out, lions don't generally roar in anger or to intimidate, though I'm sure it's happened. Rather, lions roar to proclaim their territory and to gather straying members of the pride back to them. So, when my God is a lion, he is not only an able fighter, but also a territorial, compassionate leader. Although Satan rules the earth now, one day, God will roar, and the sound will reach the whole earth. Satan will hear and know that God is claiming his territory. All of the inhabitants of the earth will hear and believe in Him. We will gather 'round our father, the lion of Judah, God Almighty. Until then, let Him roar in me.

To be frank, the above writing had nothing to do with the speaker's message that day. But it was a rabbit trail off of something he said, and an important one for me. As someone seeking to regain spiritual health, I needed to hear that God will roar, God will claim his territory (you and I included), and so my efforts to regain spiritual health are not in vain.

I hope that some of you needed to hear this as well. I apologize for taking so long, dear followers, but I promise to make a concerted effort to be around more consistently!

5 Ways to Support Friends with Mental Health Issues

It's no secret on this blog that I have dealt with depression, suicide, anxiety, and eating issues. If you experience those same issues, you will know what I mean when I say that these issues can take over your mind. For those of you reading in an effort to understand what your loved ones are experiencing, let me try to explain.

When someone experiences suicidal thoughts, for example, the ideas that they are not good enough, not contributing anything to the world, incapable of ever feeling better, etc., take over. Let me assure you that we do not choose these thoughts or feelings, nor can we escape them simply because you say that you love us.

The same is true for depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. The statements that you love us, that we are beautiful, that everything will be fine, and all of the other loving things you say will never fix us. 

I don't emphasize this to be cruel. I simply need you (whether you deal with these problems yourself or are here on behalf of a loved one) to understand that, in the moment of struggle, these statements make no difference. I realize that sounds incredibly harsh, but it's true.

Here's the trick - the idea that a person is worth something must be built up in the times when he/she is not struggling. I read somewhere a piece of advice for people struggling with mental health issues. It read: "Choose to believe what you know to be true, not what you feel in the moment." This only works, though, if there is a set of useful, positive things that you know to be true.

So, Nina, how do I help build up my friend so that she has positive truths to cling to when things get bad?
I am so glad you asked!

1. Offer sincere compliments consistently.
2. If the person struggles with something specific - body image, for example - ask if you can help. (Please only do this if you have the time and ability to actually help.) 
3. Ask for their opinion/help/expertise AND LISTEN. Nothing makes a person feel more worthwhile than someone else needing them.
4. If you and the person you are helping are people of faith - do Bible studies together. Become accountability partners. Make that faith a part of your regular interactions. A friend with the guts to talk to me on a Biblical level saved my life once - don't underestimate its power.
5. Most importantly - Be there. Pour a glass of wine. Talk about the days you've had. Mental health support is often as simple as just listening.

"He looked so happy" and Other Depression Myths

I've heard lots of stories lately about suicide "out of the blue." They all go something like this:

George committed suicide last week. I just can't believe it. He just posted pictures from their family 4th of July and they all looked so happy. 

These stories made me realize that perhaps I need to take a step back in my blog to explain that depression, suicide, self-injury, anxiety, and related issues hide. You cannot (always) see them. Depression can hide in the most smiley, outgoing person you know. Suicidal thoughts can hide in the person always talking others into continuing life.

The next question I imagine you asking, were we to have this conversation in person, is: "So, if these issues hide, how can I possibly help?" I can't give you one definitive answer. I can, however, provide you with some tips and ideas. Please feel free to add to these in the comments below!

1. Show kindness, grace, and mercy to everyone you meet. (Yes, everyone. Yes, even the kid who stole your lunch money. Kindness, grace, and mercy do not require making yourself a doormat, though. You can and should draw boundaries in a kind manner.)
2. Ask for genuine answers to the "How are you?" question. And give genuine answers. I read somewhere about "the gift of going second," in which admitting your struggles can encourage someone else to admit theirs. 
3. Become an observer. Although mental health issues hide, there are typically changes when a person is nearing their breaking point - but these are often small changes only noticeable if you are intimately aware of how the person normally acts. In the days before I attempted suicide, nobody mentioned a change in my behavior, but I know that I much more willingly made future social plans (because I didn't intend to be around to keep them), stopped doing homework, and began ending interactions with "goodbye" instead of my more typical "talk to ya later" or "goodnight." 
4. Stop speaking judgmentally about suicide, self-injury, depression, and other mental health issues. This is huge. There are numerous friends I still will not reach out to because I've heard them say things like, "People who self-injure are just attention seekers," "Depressed people just need to go do things and they'd be fine," or even the seemingly harmless, "You don't even want to know what I think about suicide." Watch your words - they're having an impact you can't even fathom. Imagine if my suicide attempt had been successful and my friends who spoke that way would have had to read in a note that I didn't reach out to them because of it. 
5. Tell your story. Over 25% (more than 1 in 4) American adults have some kind of diagnosable mental illness. If you have a story, tell it. It doesn't have to have a resolution. It just has to be true. All some of us who live with mental illness need is to know that we're not alone. (Not that a positive story now and then wouldn't be helpful!)
6. Know the facts. We tend to focus on teens when discussing these issues (and rightfully so, it's a tumultuous time), but actually, suicide rates are highest in ages 65 and up. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more likely to succeed. Rates of success go up with each attempt, so someone who has attempted before should actually be watched even more closely. The list goes on and on. (The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has excellent information.)

I hope this has been helpful for those of you concerned that you're unable to spot these issues in your loved ones. Again, feel free to add your thoughts in the comments below or email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. I'm always happy to chat!
-Nina

Breakdown in Aisle 9

Recently, I was having a rough day. My anxiety levels were very high, as was my aversion to food/eating. A friend messaged me after the experience, and he and I came to the conclusion that I needed to try to explain anxiety for those who do not live with it. This is a description of a "bad" anxiety day and how you can help not only me, but anyone in your life with anxiety.

I finished up work around 2 PM and headed home, where I changed into comfortable clothes and, knowing it was a high anxiety day (though not knowing why - there is often no reason), tried to prepare myself for the necessary trips to the bank and grocery store.

I hit the grocery store first, but I barely made it through the door before I began to feel overwhelmed at needing to locate and purchase food. I stopped in the breakfast aisle, knowing that I needed options that would easily transport to work. Suddenly, everything on the aisle seemed fattening, too high in sugar, too high in sodium, too expensive, or in some other way unfit for me to purchase. I could find nothing that both sounded good and seemed like a good idea.

To make matters worse, I was growing more and more anxious the longer I stood there, debating my choices, because other people were trying to get to things in the aisle. Never mind that none of them asked me to move or needed anything I was standing in front of. I was not actually causing anyone a problem, but anxiety doesn't care if the problem actually exists, only that it could. Anxiety tells you that, just around the corner is a mean little old lady who will yell at you for taking more than a couple minutes to choose your breakfast for the week. And anxiety insists on the "flight" option in all situations, even mean little old ladies.

I finally just abandoned the breakfast aisle, nearly in tears, and got only the things actually written on my list, such as toilet paper, and skipped the "general category" items, such as "breakfast" and "two suppers." I felt awful any time I even dared to make eye contact with someone, much less turn down the same aisle at the same time, and at first apologized profusely, before anxiety stole my voice, and I just ducked my head and tried to be as small as possible.

Anxiety dictated that I go through self checkout, because having to talk to another person on my way out the door would have only made things more difficult. I checked out as quickly as possible and finally arrived at the car, trembling, heart racing, nearly in tears, and dripping in sweat. I practiced breathing techniques and visualizations I had picked up from friends and learned in therapy. Eventually, I came down enough to drive.

Keep in mind that what I just described was a snippet of a bad day. However, certain features remain, even on good days. Even on good days, I worry constantly that I might be inconveniencing someone. Even on good days, I go through the self check-out to avoid talking to any extra people. Even on good days, I apologize for needing to pass people, for people running into me, for things that are in no way my fault and do not require apology. Even on good days, my heart rate increases when I enter places where other people will be (work, stores, banks, church, family functions, etc.). Thanks to therapy, these symptoms are manageable most days.

However, there are still bad days, days when I might start crying in the grocery store for no apparent reason, days when I will screen your calls not because I don't want to talk to you but because the idea of connecting with another person is so overwhelming that I just can't do it, days when eating is a next to impossible task. On those days, you will feel helpless. On those days I will be unable to tell you what I need. So, I'm telling you now: on those days, I need you to simplify tasks for me - don't do them, just simplify them. For example, if I'm going to the grocery store, tell me to buy oatmeal so that I will not have to decide on a breakfast item. On those days, don't ask me to explain my issues, just hug me (if we have that kind of relationship) and encourage me to do things that de-stress me. For me, those include painting, reading, a hot bath, and even cleaning. On those days, just be there, and wait until the next day to ask me about the experience.

School's Out! (Almost)

The end of the school year is upon us - can I get an Amen? Although the end of the school year is widely celebrated around the country (and world), it is also one of the times of highest stress among students, teachers, and parents. So, I'm going to talk to each of you. Even if you don't fit into any of these categories, listen up - you have friends who do.

Students - You are facing final exams and the consequences, good or bad, of those final grades. You are likely to be experiencing high levels of stress, resulting in disruptions in eating, sleeping, and socializing. This is bad enough if you're healthy. It is far worse if you're struggling with physical or mental health issues. To get through your finals, you need to reduce stress. See the end of this post for some strategies and links. Also know that your school (whether middle, high, or college) will have counselors or other resources for you, should you want or need more help than you can find on your own.

Particularly for those of us with mental health issues, the coming lack of schedule and potential increase in free time can be horrifying. For instance, my depression and anxiety combine to make me want to sleep all day, rather than face the daunting task of forming and following my own schedule. This, in turn, exacerbates my eating issues. So, if you have similar issues, I strongly encourage you to make a plan now. Ask trusted friends to help you create and stick to a schedule. Make practical, reachable goals for your summer. Do anything that might help you keep eating, keep moving, keep fighting to stay healthy (or start fighting, if you're not already).

Teachers - You are also facing final exams, albeit from the writing and grading side of things. This means that you are also facing having to deal with complaints from students and parents about those grades. As a teacher with a desk and email inbox both overflowing with things to grade, I fully understand. You should see the list of stress-busting ideas below.

As a teacher who struggles with various mental health issues, I know that this can be an extremely difficult time. See the stress-busting tips below. Also consider intentionally making time to interact with colleagues and friends outside of work during this time. You feel the busiest, but this is the time that you need socialization the most. It can make you feel less alone and force you to step away from work, even if only for a little while.

Parents - Bad news, when summer comes, your kids come home full time. This means you have to arrange for child care, if they are too young to stay alone, and worry about them being alone even if they are old enough. If your kids are teenagers, this likely also means some disagreements, to say the least. Sadly, I have not been blessed with children, so I can't offer suggestions with much authority here. What I will say is that my friends who are parents have emphasized over and over the need to create space for themselves to just be themselves without the stress of parenting. This might mean creating a weekly date night with your significant other, a daily Bible time where your family knows not to bother you, or five stolen minutes of reading before the baby starts screaming and you hear the teenager leave without permission. Whenever it is - make time for yourself. It may seem like a scheduling nightmare, but you'll thank me later, when you realize you've managed to cling to sanity. :)

Stress-Busting Links & Ideas

Since you're reading this, I presume you're spending a fair amount of time online, so give virtual bubblewrap, guided meditation, virtual stress ball, or just get some peace and quiet.

For offline de-stressing, try exercise, creating some kind of art, taking a bath, listening to your favorite music, or harmless destruction (such as tearing up paper).

When There are no Words

Recently, I have watched several friends go through very different, but equally heart breaking, losses. On Easter Sunday, I watched one of the strongest women I've ever known break down in tears over spending her first Easter without her husband. There was nothing to say. Only a touch of the hand and an understanding nod when she left early to visit him in the cemetery.

I have seen and heard Christians claim that such mourning is silly, pointless, even un-Christian, because we know that there is something far better for believers after this life. But when Jesus learned of Lazarus's death, "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). See, even if we know that Heaven is infinitely better than this life, there remains the pain of change, of absence, the ache of what could have been. Mourning itself is not bad - we were created to feel pain as well as joy. Wallowing in mourning, refusing to live, not allowing our story to be, in some way, a ministry to others is what is bad.

So, I challenge you to tell your story, whether it be to one person you know is experiencing a similar struggle or to a much larger audience. Our stories have power to help, to heal, to show others the power of faith in grief. Because sometimes, when there are no words, your story will do just fine.

I Am New

I sat in church this morning, feeling grateful for a supportive family, the forgiveness of God, and the opportunity for a new start at a new job in a new town. Then, I glanced down at my bulletin and saw the scars on my arm. A year ago, this would have brought my mood crashing down.Today, I realized something monumental, for me anyway, which I'd like to share with you.

On Easter, we celebrate Jesus's crucifixion on Friday, death and burial, and resurrection on Sunday. As a song performed by the church praise band today put it, "He put Death in his grave." (Song starts at 3:40)

This song was playing when I glanced down and saw my scars. As I listened, it occurred to me that Christ did not just conquer his own death; he conquered Death himself; he conquered my death and yours. That defeat of Death doesn't start with our entry to heaven. My scars are evidence that God defeated Death in me on May 25, 2013. I have been resurrected, set free, given new life and new purpose.

I've been delivered from more than just physical death, though. I've been resurrected from the death of living in depression and anxiety. I've been rescued from the storm of self injury. I'm being lifted from the depths of eating disorder. All of these are spiritual, emotional, mental death, and many are physically harmful as well. I am offered resurrection from them - so are you.

This is not one of those posts that will tell you that all you have to do is pray and it'll all work out. It's not that easy. It's never that easy. In most cases, I had to first ask to be rescued, and then fight, hard, against forces determined to push me back toward death. In one case, a friend stepped in and simply informed me that I was going to fight and gave me a reason to. Regardless of how it starts, once you begin fighting Death, do so with God's help, and hopefully with supportive family and friends. You can't do this alone, but you can be resurrected from whatever kind of death you are experiencing.