Remember that post, the one from forever ago about moving on? Well, here's your third installment. I do apologize for the long delay between postings. I'm currently trying to finish my doctoral degree, teach full time, obtain teacher certification through a transition to teaching program, start up a new business, and hang out with you all on the blog - all at the same time! It makes today's post on finding your purpose extremely timely.
Finding purpose is arguably the most important component of the healing journey. Particularly for those of us who have struggled with depression, suicide, and anxiety, purpose can be the thing that keeps us going when those rough days roll back around. And they will roll back around.
But how do you find purpose?
Purpose needs to be something that will get you out of bed in the morning. Something that will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Something to remind yourself of on those hard days, when nothing seems right.
As you begin to contemplate your purpose, let me offer a few cautions:
1. Your purpose is not a person. In this broken world, people leave, people die, people hurt us, in short, people are imperfect and they will not be consistent enough to serve as your purpose.
2. Your purpose is not a job. Now, hear me on this - there is a difference between a job and a calling. Your purpose is not to obtain that promotion or to get any job that makes enough money. Your purpose could then be fulfilled at some point and you would have no reason to continue.
3. Your purpose is not material. The next iPhone, bigger TV, or fastest car is not your purpose. Again, once you obtain the material thing, then what?
Your purpose must be more. It must be positive. It must drive you. Consider what you get excited about, what lights a fire in you? I discovered my purpose when I began to realize that I got excited, angry, and upset the most quickly when discussing how people were treating other people. Therefore, my purpose is to help others and to facilitate treating others well, to make the world a nicer, friendlier place.
But what happens on those days when your purpose isn't working out? For me, it's the days when I see my students relentlessly picking on one another. That's where the reason behind your purpose has to come into play. For me, that reason is my faith. After all, the most important command for Christians is "Love your neighbor as yourself." More than that, though, I remind myself that not everything is awful, and that God has promised good to me (and to you!).
What's your purpose? Comment below or shoot me a message. I'd love to hear from you!
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Roaring Like a Lion
Recently, I've been fighting to get myself healthier - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'll write more about this process later, as I know it's a common goal, particularly for those of us who struggle with mental illness. For now, a little on the struggle for spiritual health.
As often happens to us when we're busy, mildly depressed, and just not feeling connected, I drifted away from church. Now, don't misunderstand me. Going to church makes you spiritually healthy about as well as standing in the produce section makes you physically healthy. You can't just attend, you have to do something. So, while I'm in church, I write. I absorb what's being said around me, but I don't actually process it in a useful way unless I write. I knew a guy once who doodled all through the sermon, but by the end actually knew what had been said. You find your own way, but realize that you must do something with what you hear there. (Even if you disagree.)
So, I went back to church. Below are some notes I wrote up after church recently. I thought these were interesting, so I decided to share with you.
"My God's not dead, He's surely alive. He's livin' on the inside, roarin' like a lion." From "God's Not Dead" by The Newsboys
If you haven't heard the song I took that quote from, click play. Seriously worth your time.
When I heard God compared to a lion, as I have my whole life, I guess I assumed it was because he was King and ferocious and such. Then, for some reason, the speaker's mention of The Newsboys' song made me wonder - why does a lion roar? Turns out, lions don't generally roar in anger or to intimidate, though I'm sure it's happened. Rather, lions roar to proclaim their territory and to gather straying members of the pride back to them. So, when my God is a lion, he is not only an able fighter, but also a territorial, compassionate leader. Although Satan rules the earth now, one day, God will roar, and the sound will reach the whole earth. Satan will hear and know that God is claiming his territory. All of the inhabitants of the earth will hear and believe in Him. We will gather 'round our father, the lion of Judah, God Almighty. Until then, let Him roar in me.
To be frank, the above writing had nothing to do with the speaker's message that day. But it was a rabbit trail off of something he said, and an important one for me. As someone seeking to regain spiritual health, I needed to hear that God will roar, God will claim his territory (you and I included), and so my efforts to regain spiritual health are not in vain.
I hope that some of you needed to hear this as well. I apologize for taking so long, dear followers, but I promise to make a concerted effort to be around more consistently!
As often happens to us when we're busy, mildly depressed, and just not feeling connected, I drifted away from church. Now, don't misunderstand me. Going to church makes you spiritually healthy about as well as standing in the produce section makes you physically healthy. You can't just attend, you have to do something. So, while I'm in church, I write. I absorb what's being said around me, but I don't actually process it in a useful way unless I write. I knew a guy once who doodled all through the sermon, but by the end actually knew what had been said. You find your own way, but realize that you must do something with what you hear there. (Even if you disagree.)
So, I went back to church. Below are some notes I wrote up after church recently. I thought these were interesting, so I decided to share with you.
If you haven't heard the song I took that quote from, click play. Seriously worth your time.
When I heard God compared to a lion, as I have my whole life, I guess I assumed it was because he was King and ferocious and such. Then, for some reason, the speaker's mention of The Newsboys' song made me wonder - why does a lion roar? Turns out, lions don't generally roar in anger or to intimidate, though I'm sure it's happened. Rather, lions roar to proclaim their territory and to gather straying members of the pride back to them. So, when my God is a lion, he is not only an able fighter, but also a territorial, compassionate leader. Although Satan rules the earth now, one day, God will roar, and the sound will reach the whole earth. Satan will hear and know that God is claiming his territory. All of the inhabitants of the earth will hear and believe in Him. We will gather 'round our father, the lion of Judah, God Almighty. Until then, let Him roar in me.
To be frank, the above writing had nothing to do with the speaker's message that day. But it was a rabbit trail off of something he said, and an important one for me. As someone seeking to regain spiritual health, I needed to hear that God will roar, God will claim his territory (you and I included), and so my efforts to regain spiritual health are not in vain.
I hope that some of you needed to hear this as well. I apologize for taking so long, dear followers, but I promise to make a concerted effort to be around more consistently!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
When Following God Hurts
Recently, doing what I know God wants me to do has caused me pain - literal and metaphorical. And while it's true that those of us trying to live out and spread the Gospel will suffer and that suffering will ultimately serve a holy purpose (Romans 5:3, Romans 8:18, 2 Corinthians 1:5-7, Philippians 1:29, Philippians 3:10, and so many more), that is of little comfort to those of us suffering.
First, let's be honest about how we view suffering. Most of us, when we hear that we will "suffer for the Gospel," imagine being thrown in prison for smuggling Bibles or killed for sharing our faith with others. We don't imagine verbal and physical abuse. We don't imagine that the cause might not be plain and simple evangelism, but simply obeying a call God has given. But this is also suffering for the Gospel.
Second, we tend to believe that suffering is holy when it happens to others; when it happens to us, it just sucks and we want it to end. However, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes, suffering sucks, no matter who's experiencing it. But suffering, if for the good of the Gospel, also has a holy purpose that we're not likely to understand on this earth.
Third, and this is important, even if you can't see the silver lining in your situation, always remember what my pastor says: "God is good and the story ends well." Did you catch that? God is GOOD and the story ends WELL. No matter what's happening to you right now, if you believe, you will have a joyful, pain-free eternity in heaven.
Fourth, cope in whatever healthy way you need to. Need to run off extra stress? Do it. Need to make hundreds of cupcakes for no reason? Go for it! (And send me some, if you don't mind.) Need to clean the house? Mine's available. Need to snuggle a baby animal or child? Just make sure they're either yours or you have permission to do so.
Fifth and finally, do not let your desire to follow God's will paralyze you. Draw a line - one that will save your life - in abusive situations, and have friends help you stick to it. I've known several people who endured abusive relationships and wound up bringing their significant other to Christ. However, I've also known some who tried and had to get out when their own physical, mental, and spiritual well-being became threatened beyond their ability to cope. Get out alive. Please.
If you need to talk about what you're going through, don't hesitate to comment or email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Love y'all!
First, let's be honest about how we view suffering. Most of us, when we hear that we will "suffer for the Gospel," imagine being thrown in prison for smuggling Bibles or killed for sharing our faith with others. We don't imagine verbal and physical abuse. We don't imagine that the cause might not be plain and simple evangelism, but simply obeying a call God has given. But this is also suffering for the Gospel.
Second, we tend to believe that suffering is holy when it happens to others; when it happens to us, it just sucks and we want it to end. However, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes, suffering sucks, no matter who's experiencing it. But suffering, if for the good of the Gospel, also has a holy purpose that we're not likely to understand on this earth.
Third, and this is important, even if you can't see the silver lining in your situation, always remember what my pastor says: "God is good and the story ends well." Did you catch that? God is GOOD and the story ends WELL. No matter what's happening to you right now, if you believe, you will have a joyful, pain-free eternity in heaven.
Fourth, cope in whatever healthy way you need to. Need to run off extra stress? Do it. Need to make hundreds of cupcakes for no reason? Go for it! (And send me some, if you don't mind.) Need to clean the house? Mine's available. Need to snuggle a baby animal or child? Just make sure they're either yours or you have permission to do so.
Fifth and finally, do not let your desire to follow God's will paralyze you. Draw a line - one that will save your life - in abusive situations, and have friends help you stick to it. I've known several people who endured abusive relationships and wound up bringing their significant other to Christ. However, I've also known some who tried and had to get out when their own physical, mental, and spiritual well-being became threatened beyond their ability to cope. Get out alive. Please.
If you need to talk about what you're going through, don't hesitate to comment or email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Love y'all!
Friday, August 9, 2013
The Hardest Words
You'd think the hardest words would be "goodbye" or "I'm sorry" or something like that. But they're not. They're much simpler, even. "I need" is a phrase that rarely comes out of my mouth in reference to anything more than a grocery list. My grandmother passed away this week, and in helping with the funeral plans and trying to ease the burden on my parents, I've noticed something: we all seem to have an easier time volunteering to help than we do admitting when we need someone or something. This is something that my mom, dad, brother, and I all share in common, and it's one of the few unhealthy things we share.
I don't know if this is useful or not, it's just one of the thoughts currently pinging around in my grief-clouded mind, but I fully believe someone needs to hear this: it's okay to say "I need you." It's okay to ask someone to help you out with something. It's okay to ask someone for a hug. It's okay to ask for some alone time to just rest. It's okay to ask someone to come over, or ask someone not to show up. It's okay to ask for whatever you need to protect your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
One caveat - do try to ask in a way that is not damaging to that person's health, either. It does no ultimate good to inflict damage on someone else in order to save yourself.
Bottom Line: Stand up for yourself. Ask for what you need.
I don't know if this is useful or not, it's just one of the thoughts currently pinging around in my grief-clouded mind, but I fully believe someone needs to hear this: it's okay to say "I need you." It's okay to ask someone to help you out with something. It's okay to ask someone for a hug. It's okay to ask for some alone time to just rest. It's okay to ask someone to come over, or ask someone not to show up. It's okay to ask for whatever you need to protect your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
One caveat - do try to ask in a way that is not damaging to that person's health, either. It does no ultimate good to inflict damage on someone else in order to save yourself.
Bottom Line: Stand up for yourself. Ask for what you need.
Monday, July 29, 2013
I Need an Instruction Booklet
In talking with a dear friend about some of our similar experiences, she exclaimed that it sure would be nice if life had an instruction booklet! I wholeheartedly agreed, and then it occurred to me...we do have instruction booklets. Wait, hear me out.
Yes, of course we have the Bible, but let's be honest, it doesn't exactly offer clean-cut instructions for all situations. In fact, it doesn't even address many of our situations. However, if we're willing to open up and share our stories, we'll find that the people around us often have words of wisdom and experience that would be helpful.
Let's be clear - we can help, we can share our experiences, but what worked for us won't necessarily work for others. The only way to find an answer for yourself is to pray through it. But the experiences of others can be helpful. For instance, I can't tell you what will finally make you stop cutting, but I can share with you all the things I've ever tried to ease the urges. Maybe, in that list, you'll find something helpful.
Now, for a wonderful example, check out this site, featuring the story of my dear friend, Lika. There is so much here for you to draw inspiration from - changing faiths, family opposition, identity crises, etc. Although his story is a difficult one for him to share, since he still lacks familial support, he knows that his story is one that God is calling him to tell, because others can benefit from it, even if it's just because they'll know they're not alone.
Go leave Lika some comments, leave me some comments, and/or click here to email me a hopeforsi@hotmail.com. We'd both love to hear from you!
Yes, of course we have the Bible, but let's be honest, it doesn't exactly offer clean-cut instructions for all situations. In fact, it doesn't even address many of our situations. However, if we're willing to open up and share our stories, we'll find that the people around us often have words of wisdom and experience that would be helpful.
Let's be clear - we can help, we can share our experiences, but what worked for us won't necessarily work for others. The only way to find an answer for yourself is to pray through it. But the experiences of others can be helpful. For instance, I can't tell you what will finally make you stop cutting, but I can share with you all the things I've ever tried to ease the urges. Maybe, in that list, you'll find something helpful.
Now, for a wonderful example, check out this site, featuring the story of my dear friend, Lika. There is so much here for you to draw inspiration from - changing faiths, family opposition, identity crises, etc. Although his story is a difficult one for him to share, since he still lacks familial support, he knows that his story is one that God is calling him to tell, because others can benefit from it, even if it's just because they'll know they're not alone.
Go leave Lika some comments, leave me some comments, and/or click here to email me a hopeforsi@hotmail.com. We'd both love to hear from you!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I confess to being a bit distracted tonight. One of my old friends went running last night and never came home. So, take a moment to pray that he is safely returned to his wife and baby, please.
Now that we've all said our prayers, there is nothing more we can do for him, so I'm going to focus on you. See, I know that my buddy was saved, healthy, and if, God forbid, he doesn't come home, I know where he's going. I don't know that about all of you, though, so, here goes.
If you believe none of what follows, at least believe that I love you, because I do. I've been given a passion and burden for each and every one of you.
When I initially started this blog, I decided to be careful not to mention faith too much, because I didn't want to scare people away. Tonight, in the face of enormous life decisions, a missing friend, two relatives with health issues, and a greater awareness of the pain of this world than ever before, I say be offended if you want. Send me angry emails or leave me angry comments. But I will not allow myself to wonder if my followers knew where I stood anymore.
Here's the truth that I know so many of you need to know:
You are beautiful. (Psalm 139:14)
You are loved. (1 John 3:1)
You are not beyond repair. (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3)
You can be forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
This life is only temporary - make sure you're ready for the next one. (1 Timothy 2:3-4)
If you'd like to talk about any of these things, chat with your pastor, youth pastor, or click here to send me an email. I'd love to hear from you.
Love,
Nina
Now that we've all said our prayers, there is nothing more we can do for him, so I'm going to focus on you. See, I know that my buddy was saved, healthy, and if, God forbid, he doesn't come home, I know where he's going. I don't know that about all of you, though, so, here goes.
If you believe none of what follows, at least believe that I love you, because I do. I've been given a passion and burden for each and every one of you.
When I initially started this blog, I decided to be careful not to mention faith too much, because I didn't want to scare people away. Tonight, in the face of enormous life decisions, a missing friend, two relatives with health issues, and a greater awareness of the pain of this world than ever before, I say be offended if you want. Send me angry emails or leave me angry comments. But I will not allow myself to wonder if my followers knew where I stood anymore.
Here's the truth that I know so many of you need to know:
You are beautiful. (Psalm 139:14)
You are loved. (1 John 3:1)
You are not beyond repair. (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3)
You can be forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
This life is only temporary - make sure you're ready for the next one. (1 Timothy 2:3-4)
If you'd like to talk about any of these things, chat with your pastor, youth pastor, or click here to send me an email. I'd love to hear from you.
Love,
Nina
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday Breakdown
So, I wrote this super awesome post on Friday, but then failed to post it, sorry! So, when it says "today," it means this past Friday.
Today is rough. Today, I'm more triggered than I've been in a long time. Today, therapy went 20 minutes late just to move me from a 10 to a 6 on the "How likely are you to hurt yourself?" scale. My therapist called three times during the day just to make sure I was still okay. I spent an hour and fifteen minutes on the phone with my sponsor (former drug addict helping counsel me through my self-injury addiction) to move myself back down to a 3. I didn't eat all day. I simply couldn't function.
In the midst of all this, I heard the song "Even If" by Kutless. The chorus goes like this:
It occurred to me that, no matter what I'm feeling, God was still God; He's still in charge; He still cares. Nothing I feel or do or experience can change who God is and who I am to Him. He still loves me. Sometimes, we have to trust in what we KNOW rather than what we FEEL.
I'm not good at this yet. I still need to call my sponsor and hear him tell me that God loves me and has good planned for me. But I'm getting there. And it's an amazing thing to experience. Give it a shot. If you don't know this faith thing, please, send me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
PS - I'm counseling at a high school church camp this week, so forgive me if I'm slow to respond or don't post as much as I should. Love y'all!
Today is rough. Today, I'm more triggered than I've been in a long time. Today, therapy went 20 minutes late just to move me from a 10 to a 6 on the "How likely are you to hurt yourself?" scale. My therapist called three times during the day just to make sure I was still okay. I spent an hour and fifteen minutes on the phone with my sponsor (former drug addict helping counsel me through my self-injury addiction) to move myself back down to a 3. I didn't eat all day. I simply couldn't function.
In the midst of all this, I heard the song "Even If" by Kutless. The chorus goes like this:
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever Faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
It occurred to me that, no matter what I'm feeling, God was still God; He's still in charge; He still cares. Nothing I feel or do or experience can change who God is and who I am to Him. He still loves me. Sometimes, we have to trust in what we KNOW rather than what we FEEL.
I'm not good at this yet. I still need to call my sponsor and hear him tell me that God loves me and has good planned for me. But I'm getting there. And it's an amazing thing to experience. Give it a shot. If you don't know this faith thing, please, send me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
PS - I'm counseling at a high school church camp this week, so forgive me if I'm slow to respond or don't post as much as I should. Love y'all!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
This One Thing
On Sunday, I went to church, and I was, to be frank, not in the mood to be there. However, I've discovered that those are the mornings I need church the most. On this particular day, worship started with the song "One Thing Remains" by Jesus Culture. It goes like this:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains [repeat]
Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me [3x]
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death, In life, I’m confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that canseparate my heart from Your great love...
I'll confess that I was distracted by those lyrics for most of the rest of the service. No matter what happens. No matter what is done to me or what choices I make, God will not give up on me; God will not stop loving me. The same is true for you, if you put your hope and faith in him.
Most of us who struggle with depression, self-injury, eating disorders, anxiety, and suicide are really only seeking love. The problem is, we're seeking it from people here on earth. And while I fully believe that everyone deserves to be loved by someone here, I also know that earthly love often ends in heartache. The great news is that, if you believe, you do have one constant in your life: God's love.
Let me know what you think, what questions you have, or what helps you cope with this life. Leave your thoughts in the comments or click here to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains [repeat]
Never runs out on me [3x]
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that canseparate my heart from Your great love...
I'll confess that I was distracted by those lyrics for most of the rest of the service. No matter what happens. No matter what is done to me or what choices I make, God will not give up on me; God will not stop loving me. The same is true for you, if you put your hope and faith in him.
Most of us who struggle with depression, self-injury, eating disorders, anxiety, and suicide are really only seeking love. The problem is, we're seeking it from people here on earth. And while I fully believe that everyone deserves to be loved by someone here, I also know that earthly love often ends in heartache. The great news is that, if you believe, you do have one constant in your life: God's love.
Let me know what you think, what questions you have, or what helps you cope with this life. Leave your thoughts in the comments or click here to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Hi. My name is Nina, and I love babies. Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest.
But seriously. I do love babies. They're excited about the world. They're constantly learning and growing and changing. And, best of all, they don't expect you to hold a conversation. Babies are also a reminder to me that life goes on, and that I can be new, too.
Tonight, God used a baby to remind me of a powerful truth. I was sitting at our house church, holding one of the many babies. She grabbed at my bracelet, and I looked down to see her beautiful, soft, unblemished arm laying along my forearm, which is riddled with scars. I tried to pull my arm away, self conscious about her and other church members seeing the scars, but she grabbed my finger.
I realized, then, that she doesn't care about my scars, she only cares that I hold and love and play with her. It was a poignant reminder not only that the past is the past, but that the scars that define me are not my own. My defining scars belong to a man who was nailed to a cross some 2000 years ago. He took my sins, my shame, my shortcomings, and endured my deserved punishment so that I could experience grace, forgiveness, love, and eternal life. Pretty amazing.
Don't get me wrong, the existence of this blog is proof that my scars are an important part of me. They are an important part of my faith. They are the reason I have a ministry at all. But they are not the essence of who I am. As a reminder, I am, and you are or can be, "forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the Giver of Life, righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy, this is our new name" (Jason Gray, "I Am New").
Feel free to leave comments or click here to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. I'd love to talk more with you about faith, self injury, suicide, relationships, whatever you're dealing with. Love y'all!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
"People will never satisfy your deepest longings."
Most of us would instinctively agree with this statement, but only because we know we should agree with it. However, the truth of the human condition is that we tend to seek satisfaction from other human beings. As my pastor puts it, "we're like a bunch of ticks trying to feed off each other when what we actually need is a host who can meet our needs."
There is no person, not even a group of people, who can meet your every need in this life. Neither can you meet all of your own needs. The only way I know to get my needs met is through my faith, not that I've got it down pat, either. See, in order to get your needs met, by anyone, you have to trust. It's hard enough to trust people, who you can harass and badger into compliance (although it's clearly not recommended). It's even harder to trust a God who you can't see. Still, if you can trust, even just a little, you'll find that, ultimately, your needs will be met. After all, as Jesus says in John 6:35, "'I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.'"
How do you do that, though?
I can only share what has worked for me. I am certainly no expert in trust, but I am working on it. Remember - faith is like fitness in that you can always get better!
Tip #1 - Learn to wait. God doesn't work on your timetable, but neither do other people, so this shouldn't be a shock. When I think I can't take it anymore, I tell myself to just make it through one more week, day, hour, minute, whatever the situation calls for. Try not to get so impatient that you begin grumbling and stop looking for the good.
Tip #2 - Learn to take action. I know, this seems like a contradiction. I've seen far too many people, myself included, who are waiting on the Lord's guidance and refuse to make any decisions in the meantime. For example, if you're waiting on guidance in a relationship, that does not mean that you shouldn't be exploring job options, ministry options, etc. In fact, sometimes guidance for situation A may come through situation B.
Tip #3 - Stay in touch with God. So many times I've gotten frustrated with waiting for guidance and I've stopped praying or spending time in the Bible. HUGE mistake. How can you get guidance from someone you're not speaking to? So yeah, this shouldn't need to be a tip, but I'm guessing some of you do stupid things like this sometimes, too.
Tip #4 - Consult trusted, faithful people. God can and does speak through Godly people. This is not to say that you should do everything the people you trust tell you to do. Always test their advice against scripture and your own conversations with God. But also don't overlook those people as mouthpieces of God's wisdom.
Hope this is helpful. Leave me some feedback or questions in the comments or click here to email me a hopeforsi@hotmail.com. Love y'all!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Blind Trust
I babysat for a friend the other day. The baby, we'll call her Abby, is two months old, and she is adorable. Once Mama left, little Abby sat happily on my lap. I read my daily devotion on true beauty to her and changed her diaper with no fuss. Only when she began fighting sleep did she get fussy, and even that was easily remedied by simply walking around the house with her until she fell asleep.
I marveled at her complete trust in me, a virtual stranger who had no kids and precious little experience with them. I marveled even more at at her mother's trust in me - she left the house with no further instructions than "the diapers are there and there's a bottle in the fridge," and she knew I lacked any qualifications. These were two people who trusted me completely with absolutely no reason to do so. Abby trusted me to meet her needs in the absence of her mother, and her mother trusted me to, well, keep Abby alive until she got home.
Abby and her mother painted a very clear picture for me of Proverbs 3:5-6, which says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."
I can't speak for you, but when I trust someone, it's usually more the "Of course I trust you, I just have to do this one little thing to make it easier for you!" brand of trust. You know the kind, where you don't really trust the person, but you need their help? Yeah. Full on, complete, blind trust is hard for me. But, I think we all need at least two relationships like that in our lives. Hear me out.
First, let's start with the one I know applies to all of my readers, regardless of faith: a friend or family member you can trust completely. This is not only a person you can open up to, but someone you could leave alone to care for your pets, kids, siblings, whatever, and feel completely confident that things would go well. You wouldn't need to call and check up on them periodically, you'd just know everything was fine. Do you have a friend like that? I do. She lives a long ways away now (boo!!), but I'd trust her with my life. It's an awesome thing. Seek this out, if you can, but don't jeopardize your mental safety to do so. I will say, though, that having this kind of friend when you have mental health issues is a Godsend. I frequently call on this friend to help me communicate my thoughts to people, to make me take breaks to talk to her when I'm overly stressed, etc.
Next, the most important one that I pray will someday apply to all of my readers, even if it doesn't currently: God. When I "trust" God, it's often the same way I "trust" people - only as far as I'm forced to by the circumstances, if that. However, my relationship with God should look more like my relationship with my best friend. I should be able to just leave things in his hands to deal with and know that it'll get taken care of in the best way possible. The problem is that I think I know best, even in those situations where I'm not sure which way is up. It's a daily struggle for me to trust as I should. So, I'm not saying I have it down pat, I'm just saying you should give it a try. Tell Him all about the situation; vent, rant, tell Him what you want to happen, tell Him what you don't want to happen, talk your heart out, and then leave it there. Don't worry about it the rest of the day. Or the rest of the hour. Whatever you need to do to babystep yourself to trust.
Let me know how that experiment goes! As always, I love to hear from you so leave me comments or shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
I marveled at her complete trust in me, a virtual stranger who had no kids and precious little experience with them. I marveled even more at at her mother's trust in me - she left the house with no further instructions than "the diapers are there and there's a bottle in the fridge," and she knew I lacked any qualifications. These were two people who trusted me completely with absolutely no reason to do so. Abby trusted me to meet her needs in the absence of her mother, and her mother trusted me to, well, keep Abby alive until she got home.
Abby and her mother painted a very clear picture for me of Proverbs 3:5-6, which says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."
I can't speak for you, but when I trust someone, it's usually more the "Of course I trust you, I just have to do this one little thing to make it easier for you!" brand of trust. You know the kind, where you don't really trust the person, but you need their help? Yeah. Full on, complete, blind trust is hard for me. But, I think we all need at least two relationships like that in our lives. Hear me out.
First, let's start with the one I know applies to all of my readers, regardless of faith: a friend or family member you can trust completely. This is not only a person you can open up to, but someone you could leave alone to care for your pets, kids, siblings, whatever, and feel completely confident that things would go well. You wouldn't need to call and check up on them periodically, you'd just know everything was fine. Do you have a friend like that? I do. She lives a long ways away now (boo!!), but I'd trust her with my life. It's an awesome thing. Seek this out, if you can, but don't jeopardize your mental safety to do so. I will say, though, that having this kind of friend when you have mental health issues is a Godsend. I frequently call on this friend to help me communicate my thoughts to people, to make me take breaks to talk to her when I'm overly stressed, etc.
Next, the most important one that I pray will someday apply to all of my readers, even if it doesn't currently: God. When I "trust" God, it's often the same way I "trust" people - only as far as I'm forced to by the circumstances, if that. However, my relationship with God should look more like my relationship with my best friend. I should be able to just leave things in his hands to deal with and know that it'll get taken care of in the best way possible. The problem is that I think I know best, even in those situations where I'm not sure which way is up. It's a daily struggle for me to trust as I should. So, I'm not saying I have it down pat, I'm just saying you should give it a try. Tell Him all about the situation; vent, rant, tell Him what you want to happen, tell Him what you don't want to happen, talk your heart out, and then leave it there. Don't worry about it the rest of the day. Or the rest of the hour. Whatever you need to do to babystep yourself to trust.
Let me know how that experiment goes! As always, I love to hear from you so leave me comments or shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Strength Training
I realized something during my Bible time today: I haven't had the urge to self-injure or commit suicide for a while now. (Brief pause for a pat on the back.) However, I also know that now is the time to strengthen myself, because those temptations will likely return. Primarily, I've been digging into my faith, but also spending time with my friends and their babies and crafting.
So, whether you're experiencing a period of relief from temptation, as I am, or you're struggling with an eating disorder, self-injury, suicide, anxiety, you name it, try these ideas to strengthen yourself against those thoughts in the future. (Family and friends, these tips could be useful for you, too, as you try to help your loved one.)
Got any tips to share? Leave them in the comments or click here to shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
So, whether you're experiencing a period of relief from temptation, as I am, or you're struggling with an eating disorder, self-injury, suicide, anxiety, you name it, try these ideas to strengthen yourself against those thoughts in the future. (Family and friends, these tips could be useful for you, too, as you try to help your loved one.)
- Dig into your faith. This means finding community with others who share your beliefs, reading the scriptures, praying, etc. You'll find that most faiths have something to offer for your struggle, but, frankly, I find my Christian faith the most helpful (and I explored quite a lot). Let me know if you have questions about that - I'm happy to chat with you!
- Share your triggers (anything that makes your struggle more difficult) with a few close friends who can help you avoid those triggers and deal with them when they happen.
- Make a plan for dealing with tough situations. This means making a list of people and organizations you can contact if you're feeling tempted to do something you know you shouldn't. It also means making and constantly updating a list of activities that are helpful for you when you're tempted. For me, that list includes running, painting, cleaning, writing, and simply changing locations.
- Make a playlist of music that makes you happy and/or reminds you of the good things in life. That way, you at least have a chance to easily play music that won't make things worse.
- Use the times when you are strong to evaluate your life for things that make your struggles unnecessarily harder. Now, be careful with this. I am not telling you to quit school because it stresses you out. I am, however, telling you to stop doing all of your homework on one day a week. I am also not telling you to cut out everyone who makes you mad. I am, however, telling you to draw firm boundaries for those people who frequently add drama or stress to your life. Drawing boundaries is hard, and should never be done when you're emotional (that only leads to drawing boundaries you later regret).
- Most of all, use the good times to hang out with friends. I know full well that, when you're depressed, anxious, or trying to starve yourself, you tend to isolate yourself as well. So spend time with friends. Make sure they understand that you do care for them, and let them know what issues you're dealing with so that they can help you, or at least understand why you might not always come around.
Got any tips to share? Leave them in the comments or click here to shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Thursday, June 20, 2013
When it isn't all sunshine and lollipops
I've been praying, lately, for sustained hope. See, I've been doing great lately, but I fear that I'll forget or lose that hope. Let's be honest, we all have ups and downs, or "seasons" as my friend calls them (which inexplicably annoys me). It is to be expected that there will be times when we struggle to see hope in this life and times when hope is so abundant that we don't understand how others don't see it.
The question, then, becomes how to deal with those down times. (The up times seem to be easier, but if you want me to address that, let me know.) I'm no expert. I mean, I've had plenty of down times. Some have been dealt with better than others, to say the least, but here are some things I try to keep in mind that have worked in the past:
The question, then, becomes how to deal with those down times. (The up times seem to be easier, but if you want me to address that, let me know.) I'm no expert. I mean, I've had plenty of down times. Some have been dealt with better than others, to say the least, but here are some things I try to keep in mind that have worked in the past:
- There will be better days. Now, I know you've heard this before. It became real to me for two reasons
- I saw it happen many, many times.
- I read Psalm 27, which ends like this:
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.Note the bolded sections (my emphasis). We don't have to wait for death or, for some of us, hasten it in order to get to the good part. The good part starts here. So take a deep breath and try to wait it out with patience. - There is nothing exceptionally bad about you. When I'm in a faith/life/mood slump, I often believe the worst about myself, but it's not true - of me or you! Try to acknowledge the truth. For instance, I am overweight, but I am not the most disgusting person on earth. I am not the smartest person I know, but neither am I stupid. You get the idea.
- Good things still happen, even in the darkest of times. Make a list of things that happen each day that were good or that you can be thankful for. During hospitalization of a family member, for instance, you might be thankful for a sweet nurse, a reliable car, or simply that it's not as bad as that family clearly receiving bad news down the hall.
What helps you get through? Leave it in the comments or click here to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Are you having trouble right now? Write to me and tell me what topics or questions you need me to address!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
We Have this Hope
Yesterday, I decided to read in the book of Matthew, for a change of pace. Remember that hope I said I was looking for? I found it!
I read chapter one, which, honestly, I have often skipped in the past because it's the genealogy of Jesus and, well, if you know your Bible you know how Jesus came to be. Or do you? See, I had decided to study the scripture, to really dig in and ask questions, like I would of any other piece of literature. (Of course, the Bible is much more than a piece of literature, this is just a study technique.) It occurred to me that, while the people of the time would have been accustomed to hearing the men's names in the genealogy, and probably didn't even give a second thought to who they were beyond identifying where their own lineage factored in, the mention of five women would have been highly unusual. The people would have paused there to remember the story of that woman's life. Let's take a quick look at these women:
Tamar - pretended to be a prostitute so that her father-in-law would get her pregnant, since her husband was dead and her father-in-law refused to marry her to his next son, as was the custom.
Rahab - prostitute who helped Joshua defeat Jericho by sheltering his men during their recon mission.
Ruth - entered the threshing floor (scandalous at the time!) to seek marriage to Boaz
Wife of Uriah (Bathsheba) - King David committed adultery with her and subsequently had her husband killed. In my opinion, she is referred to by her husband's name because her presence in the genealogy is more to point out David's transgression than to shine a light on her.
Mary - found to be pregnant before marriage, thus bringing shame on herself, her family, and her betrothed (Joseph).
I found that I had an inordinate amount of hope after reading and researching this genealogy. You see, none of these women (or the men, for that matter) were perfect. Many of them had HUGE character flaws, enormous sin issues, and enough personal problems to last a lifetime. Yet God used them to bring about his plan. God blessed them. In many cases, God used their weaknesses, their flaws, their sins, for good. Their weaknesses became the reason they were able to be included in the genealogy of Jesus and, for some, the reason they were able to minister.
Now, I have this hope (well, I've had it for awhile, but now it's stronger) that God will use me out of all of this mess that is my life. It's a vague hope, in that I'm not 100% certain how he will use me yet, but, as my therapist says, "Vague hope is better than clear guilt." Amen!
I read chapter one, which, honestly, I have often skipped in the past because it's the genealogy of Jesus and, well, if you know your Bible you know how Jesus came to be. Or do you? See, I had decided to study the scripture, to really dig in and ask questions, like I would of any other piece of literature. (Of course, the Bible is much more than a piece of literature, this is just a study technique.) It occurred to me that, while the people of the time would have been accustomed to hearing the men's names in the genealogy, and probably didn't even give a second thought to who they were beyond identifying where their own lineage factored in, the mention of five women would have been highly unusual. The people would have paused there to remember the story of that woman's life. Let's take a quick look at these women:
Tamar - pretended to be a prostitute so that her father-in-law would get her pregnant, since her husband was dead and her father-in-law refused to marry her to his next son, as was the custom.
Rahab - prostitute who helped Joshua defeat Jericho by sheltering his men during their recon mission.
Ruth - entered the threshing floor (scandalous at the time!) to seek marriage to Boaz
Wife of Uriah (Bathsheba) - King David committed adultery with her and subsequently had her husband killed. In my opinion, she is referred to by her husband's name because her presence in the genealogy is more to point out David's transgression than to shine a light on her.
Mary - found to be pregnant before marriage, thus bringing shame on herself, her family, and her betrothed (Joseph).
I found that I had an inordinate amount of hope after reading and researching this genealogy. You see, none of these women (or the men, for that matter) were perfect. Many of them had HUGE character flaws, enormous sin issues, and enough personal problems to last a lifetime. Yet God used them to bring about his plan. God blessed them. In many cases, God used their weaknesses, their flaws, their sins, for good. Their weaknesses became the reason they were able to be included in the genealogy of Jesus and, for some, the reason they were able to minister.
Now, I have this hope (well, I've had it for awhile, but now it's stronger) that God will use me out of all of this mess that is my life. It's a vague hope, in that I'm not 100% certain how he will use me yet, but, as my therapist says, "Vague hope is better than clear guilt." Amen!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Honesty Hour
Tonight, I went to Bible study for the first time in awhile, thanks to a crazy summer travel schedule. We were discussing the need to read the Bible on a regular basis. Then, our leader pointed out that, according to Romans 15:4, "For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." See, spending time reading Scripture is supposed to inspire hope.
This got me thinking. Reading the scriptures lately only inspires a bleak hopelessness because I see the restrictions, and no promise of happiness or pleasure in this lifetime. Moreover, when I have spoken to church leaders about this, I'm simply told that I am not promised that this life will be anything positive, but that I will find happiness, pleasure, health, etc in the next life. I am simply expected to endure, cheerfully, what I am going through.
Here's the thing: I would love to be able to cheerfully endure. However, I do not find an outlook that only makes me wish to die healthy. That is not the intention of the Christians who tell me that this life will suck, but the next one will be good, but that is what those of us who struggle with depression and suicide hear. I also do not believe that God sent us here only to suffer. There will be suffering, absolutely, but that is not meant to be our entire life.
So, this is my confession: I do not currently enjoy spending time in the Word. However, I am attempting to intentionally spend more time reading and meditating over it. Eventually, I hope that the hope will return. In the meantime, I'm praying for hope for myself and for all of you.
Please leave a comment below or shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Love y'all!
This got me thinking. Reading the scriptures lately only inspires a bleak hopelessness because I see the restrictions, and no promise of happiness or pleasure in this lifetime. Moreover, when I have spoken to church leaders about this, I'm simply told that I am not promised that this life will be anything positive, but that I will find happiness, pleasure, health, etc in the next life. I am simply expected to endure, cheerfully, what I am going through.
Here's the thing: I would love to be able to cheerfully endure. However, I do not find an outlook that only makes me wish to die healthy. That is not the intention of the Christians who tell me that this life will suck, but the next one will be good, but that is what those of us who struggle with depression and suicide hear. I also do not believe that God sent us here only to suffer. There will be suffering, absolutely, but that is not meant to be our entire life.
So, this is my confession: I do not currently enjoy spending time in the Word. However, I am attempting to intentionally spend more time reading and meditating over it. Eventually, I hope that the hope will return. In the meantime, I'm praying for hope for myself and for all of you.
Please leave a comment below or shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Love y'all!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Broken?
I'm writing to you from a women's retreat tonight. As y'all know, I'm currently evaluating my faith. What is it that I actually believe as opposed to what I want to believe? What false beliefs do I hold that cause me to beat myself up using my religion? What is hindering my faith?
Today, I've gained some insight. Our speaker asked us to identify what things make us unfit, in the world's eyes, to be a vessel of God. For me, the list included my depression, suicide attempt, cutting, etc. Then, she told us that "we are weak and frail on purpose," because we are not truly weak, we are "God's opportunity" to work through us in others. Then, we identified ways to strengthen ourselves. (I'm still working on that part.)
So what makes you "unfit" in the eyes of this world to be a minister, a vessel, or maybe even just a Christian?
No matter what you just thought of, here's the real treasure, taken from 2 Corinthians 4:9b (The Message version): "we've been thrown down, but not broken."
Did you catch that? NOT BROKEN. I don't know about you, but I and many of my friends who suffer from depression, self-injury, eating disorders, anxiety, and other mental health issues often refer to ourselves as "broken." But it's not true. So long as you are here, you are not broken. Wounded, perhaps, but not dead.
I'm excited to keep posting more as I hear from these amazing women and from God this weekend. Stay tuned! As always, leave me a comment or shoot me an email if you'd like to chat. Email: hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Today, I've gained some insight. Our speaker asked us to identify what things make us unfit, in the world's eyes, to be a vessel of God. For me, the list included my depression, suicide attempt, cutting, etc. Then, she told us that "we are weak and frail on purpose," because we are not truly weak, we are "God's opportunity" to work through us in others. Then, we identified ways to strengthen ourselves. (I'm still working on that part.)
So what makes you "unfit" in the eyes of this world to be a minister, a vessel, or maybe even just a Christian?
No matter what you just thought of, here's the real treasure, taken from 2 Corinthians 4:9b (The Message version): "we've been thrown down, but not broken."
Did you catch that? NOT BROKEN. I don't know about you, but I and many of my friends who suffer from depression, self-injury, eating disorders, anxiety, and other mental health issues often refer to ourselves as "broken." But it's not true. So long as you are here, you are not broken. Wounded, perhaps, but not dead.
I'm excited to keep posting more as I hear from these amazing women and from God this weekend. Stay tuned! As always, leave me a comment or shoot me an email if you'd like to chat. Email: hopeforsi@hotmail.com
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Impossible Standards?
Today, my therapist made an observation about me that makes a lot of sense, even though I hadn't considered it before. Using examples, he pointed out that, while I'm willing to make allowances for others, I use the Bible to beat myself up.
For example, I often allow others to take advantage of me, but when asked why I don't take a stand, I will quote a Bible verse. The example used today happened to come from my marriage, so my therapist responded by saying, "'Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.' See, I have a verse, too." Point taken. I am not the only one who should be living up to certain standards.
He also pointed out, though, that I let faith tell me who I should be (living up to standards) rather than letting faith tell me who I am. So, his goal over the next few weeks is to "get that cross-shaped baseball bat" out of my hands so I'll stop beating myself with it.
I'm fascinated by this process, because I believe most of us have something we use to beat ourselves up. This is especially true of those of us struggling with anxiety, depression, self injury, eating disorders, etc. What do you beat yourself up with? The approval of others? The expectations of your faith? Societal standards?
I encourage you to identify what you beat yourself with. If you're not sure, consult a therapist or a trusted friend. Then, lay it aside, even if only for a moment. I have no doubt that it will take constant conscious decisions in order to stop beating ourselves. However, when I imagine feeling free again, it seems worth it.
Leave a comment or click to shoot me an email. I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories.
For example, I often allow others to take advantage of me, but when asked why I don't take a stand, I will quote a Bible verse. The example used today happened to come from my marriage, so my therapist responded by saying, "'Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.' See, I have a verse, too." Point taken. I am not the only one who should be living up to certain standards.
He also pointed out, though, that I let faith tell me who I should be (living up to standards) rather than letting faith tell me who I am. So, his goal over the next few weeks is to "get that cross-shaped baseball bat" out of my hands so I'll stop beating myself with it.
I'm fascinated by this process, because I believe most of us have something we use to beat ourselves up. This is especially true of those of us struggling with anxiety, depression, self injury, eating disorders, etc. What do you beat yourself up with? The approval of others? The expectations of your faith? Societal standards?
I encourage you to identify what you beat yourself with. If you're not sure, consult a therapist or a trusted friend. Then, lay it aside, even if only for a moment. I have no doubt that it will take constant conscious decisions in order to stop beating ourselves. However, when I imagine feeling free again, it seems worth it.
Leave a comment or click to shoot me an email. I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Don't Touch the Apple
"It's one thing to not want something; it's another to be told you can't have it."
- How I Met Your Mother, Season 7, Episode 12
Have you ever experienced this harsh reality? I have. I didn't want kids until I had to have a hysterectomy. Now, I really really want them. I didn't really want to go to my friends' parties or go dancing and such until I discovered that I have a husband is just pretty much never going to want to do those things. Now, it's my definition of fun.
What is it about those things we're told we can't have that makes them all the more enticing? Some people have told me that my desires for kids and socializing purely because I can't have them is a result of the Fall (of humankind, Adam & Eve, etc.). Not true. See, Adam and Eve were told not to eat the apple. They did. This is BEFORE the Fall, okay. There is simply something intrinsically interesting in what we can't have. I can't explain it. I can only say this: when you want something you've been told you can't have, slow down and take some time to make that decision. You can also try to find substitutes that might tide you over until the craving passes (just never try to substitute anything for chocolate - it's not worth it). For example, instead of rushing into adopting a baby, I got another kitten, who insists on waking me up periodically throughout the night, is extremely talkative, and chews on/eats everything in sight. In retrospect, a baby might have been the better choice there...
Wanting what I can't have also contributes greatly to my depression, self-injury, and suicidal tendencies. When I get wrapped up in mourning the one that got away, the babies I'll never have and hold, the farm I'll never have, and the husband's love I'm not likely to have, I begin to unravel. Those are times when I tend to self-injure in some way, whether visible or not, and often consider suicide. So, I haven't figured out how yet, but these are things I now know that I must not think about. For now, my temporary coping mechanism is to recite to myself all the bad things having that thing would/could bring. It's certainly not a permanent fix, and it may not even be truly healthy, but it keeps me safe for now.
What do you want that you can't have? How do you cope? Does it contribute to your health and safety issues? Comment here or shoot me an email at hopeforsi@hotmail.com.
Friday, May 3, 2013
The Power of Repetition
As I've been jotting down some of my thoughts for my therapist this week, it has occurred to me that the thoughts that repeat themselves over and over are probably the ones worth paying attention to. After all, we all know the power of repetition. We repeat words to take oaths, to get married, and to learn. I will never ever forget the Spanish phrase, "Repitan, por favor," which means "repeat, please," even if I forget all of the other Spanish I ever learned. Why? Because I heard it so often. It was repeated.
Now, some of my repeated thoughts are just ridiculous, and I haven't recorded all of them because, well, I think my therapist currently believes me to be generally sane. ;-) For example, every time I think about recording my thoughts, I think "monkey monkey underpants," which is a line from Gilmore Girls. Which may well qualify me for in-depth psychiatric care...
Anyway, I'm also learning that what my parents always said growing up is true: "Be careful what you watch and listen to. It becomes what you think." Yes, yes, it does. This morning, I woke up with a line from a song repeating in my head, "Even angels have their wicked schemes, and you take that to new extremes. Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?" I'm not really sure if this is a bad thing to have repeating in my head just yet, but the point is that the things you watch and listen to do, in fact, find their way into your thoughts. So, consume with caution.
Finally, on a more serious note, I've begun to notice that I frequently record some variation of, "I'm a horrible person" in my thoughts log. However, that thought isn't the one that concerns me. I'm more concerned with what thoughts or events lead up to that repeated thought. See, if I can figure out what prompts the negative repeated thoughts, maybe I can stop them. Maybe that's the first key step in healing.
I encourage you to give this exercise a try. And be patient it takes awhile to get used to recording your own thoughts. If you want to heal, you most likely need to get in touch with your thoughts, too. Let me know how it goes for you. And, as always, click to shoot me an email!
Now, some of my repeated thoughts are just ridiculous, and I haven't recorded all of them because, well, I think my therapist currently believes me to be generally sane. ;-) For example, every time I think about recording my thoughts, I think "monkey monkey underpants," which is a line from Gilmore Girls. Which may well qualify me for in-depth psychiatric care...
Anyway, I'm also learning that what my parents always said growing up is true: "Be careful what you watch and listen to. It becomes what you think." Yes, yes, it does. This morning, I woke up with a line from a song repeating in my head, "Even angels have their wicked schemes, and you take that to new extremes. Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?" I'm not really sure if this is a bad thing to have repeating in my head just yet, but the point is that the things you watch and listen to do, in fact, find their way into your thoughts. So, consume with caution.
Finally, on a more serious note, I've begun to notice that I frequently record some variation of, "I'm a horrible person" in my thoughts log. However, that thought isn't the one that concerns me. I'm more concerned with what thoughts or events lead up to that repeated thought. See, if I can figure out what prompts the negative repeated thoughts, maybe I can stop them. Maybe that's the first key step in healing.
I encourage you to give this exercise a try. And be patient it takes awhile to get used to recording your own thoughts. If you want to heal, you most likely need to get in touch with your thoughts, too. Let me know how it goes for you. And, as always, click to shoot me an email!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Revelation
Have you ever had an experience that just changes the way you see everything? I had one of those moments yesterday, thanks to my therapist. We were discussing love. It was going about like I would have guessed. He was asking how I defined love, how I thought others did, etc. Then, he asked a question I never expected.
Therapist: So, what do you think of yourself?
Me: *after long pause* I guess....I don't like myself. I mean, I can see a couple good things, but, in general...
*Skip some conversation*
Therapist: You have worth, Nina; you have value. You just have to find it in yourself.
At this point, the room literally began to spin. I could not see straight. When I tried to look at something, it would move. The room was still spinning when he asked where I was on a scale of 1-10, 10 being super likely to cut due to being overwhelmed.
Me: 4. Definitely spinning, but I don't think bad spinning.
Therapist: So tell me what it's about.
Me: I'm just. I know what you said is true, but I'm trying to reconcile that with what I've done. I mean, on the one hand, I have value and worth. On the other hand, I've become a woman who has marriage issues and attempted suicide and cuts.
Therapist: I think you'll be able to reconcile that once you have moved away from it. I think that will happen once you encounter who you are. Not only what you've done, but who God says you are.
*Cue room spinning again.*
I think I have an amazing therapist. Couldn't ask for a better person to help me through this. I share this conversation because I suspect that many of you need to hear this as well. Now, let's be clear. My therapist made sure to remind me that he's not pushing me to shut everyone else out and only focus on me. No, he embraces the biblical model, "love your neighbor as yourself," but he points out that, for that model to work, you must first at least care about yourself, otherwise you have no love to give to your neighbor.
So, if you struggle with similar issues, I just want to take a moment to tell you:
I'll post more on this as I go through the process. In the meantime, feel free click here to send me an email!
Therapist: So, what do you think of yourself?
Me: *after long pause* I guess....I don't like myself. I mean, I can see a couple good things, but, in general...
*Skip some conversation*
Therapist: You have worth, Nina; you have value. You just have to find it in yourself.
At this point, the room literally began to spin. I could not see straight. When I tried to look at something, it would move. The room was still spinning when he asked where I was on a scale of 1-10, 10 being super likely to cut due to being overwhelmed.
Me: 4. Definitely spinning, but I don't think bad spinning.
Therapist: So tell me what it's about.
Me: I'm just. I know what you said is true, but I'm trying to reconcile that with what I've done. I mean, on the one hand, I have value and worth. On the other hand, I've become a woman who has marriage issues and attempted suicide and cuts.
Therapist: I think you'll be able to reconcile that once you have moved away from it. I think that will happen once you encounter who you are. Not only what you've done, but who God says you are.
*Cue room spinning again.*
I think I have an amazing therapist. Couldn't ask for a better person to help me through this. I share this conversation because I suspect that many of you need to hear this as well. Now, let's be clear. My therapist made sure to remind me that he's not pushing me to shut everyone else out and only focus on me. No, he embraces the biblical model, "love your neighbor as yourself," but he points out that, for that model to work, you must first at least care about yourself, otherwise you have no love to give to your neighbor.
So, if you struggle with similar issues, I just want to take a moment to tell you:
You have value. You have worth. You need to fight to see yourself the way God sees you.
I'll post more on this as I go through the process. In the meantime, feel free click here to send me an email!
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