I confess to being a bit distracted tonight. One of my old friends went running last night and never came home. So, take a moment to pray that he is safely returned to his wife and baby, please.

Now that we've all said our prayers, there is nothing more we can do for him, so I'm going to focus on you. See, I know that my buddy was saved, healthy, and if, God forbid, he doesn't come home, I know where he's going. I don't know that about all of you, though, so, here goes.

If you believe none of what follows, at least believe that I love you, because I do. I've been given a passion and burden for each and every one of you.

When I initially started this blog, I decided to be careful not to mention faith too much, because I didn't want to scare people away. Tonight, in the face of enormous life decisions, a missing friend, two relatives with health issues, and a greater awareness of the pain of this world than ever before, I say be offended if you want. Send me angry emails or leave me angry comments. But I will not allow myself to wonder if my followers knew where I stood anymore.

Here's the truth that I know so many of you need to know:

You are beautiful. (Psalm 139:14)
You are loved. (1 John 3:1)
You are not beyond repair. (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3)
You can be forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
This life is only temporary - make sure you're ready for the next one. (1 Timothy 2:3-4)

If you'd like to talk about any of these things, chat with your pastor, youth pastor, or click here to send me an email. I'd love to hear from you.

Love,
Nina

Perfectly Broken

There's a new title! My purpose is not changing, just the title and, hopefully, you'll see a stronger outpouring of my passion here.

Last week, I served as a camp counselor for a high school camp. I was very excited for the week, but, let's be honest, I was mostly excited because I would get a week of being away from home and around people I love. Things had been getting rougher at home, with more panic attacks and urges to injure myself, so I desperately wanted to be anywhere but there.

Saturday, I headed home, since camp training started on Sunday. By the time I got home, I realized that I'd forgiven myself. Still, a part of me wondered if God had actually forgiven me. So, when camp began, I was feeling forgiven, but skeptical, and far from important or worth anything.

Then, I gave my testimony on Monday morning. It was the first time I'd spoken publicly about attempting suicide. It was hard. And honestly, I walked away from that experience feeling better for saying it, but also feeling as though it was stupid to have done it, that nobody would be impacted. I also lead a workshop that focused on being "perfectly broken," emphasizing that God uses our broken places to minister to others. Still, I was not sure that I was actually being used, that my broken places were useful.

As the week went on, more and more campers came to me with their stories of brokenness, of self-injuring, of starving themselves, of feeling ugly, of attempting suicide, of being raped, of horrors I can't even begin to imagine. I prayed with them, hugged them, cried with them, shared the source of my hope, gave them Bibles, encouraged them to find help in their home communities, and did my best to offer them hope. When I had no words, words came anyway. Fellow counselors began commenting that I seemed different, more hopeful and happier, than I had last year. Forgiveness finally made sense to me. I finally realized that I was forgiven. For real.

It breaks my heart to know that so many of our youth are going through things similar to what I've been through and then some. It breaks my heart to know that most of them feel as though they have nowhere to turn and that there is no hope. However, this week has also lead me to find a new depth of passion for high school and college students, in particular, and for anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, self injury, eating disorders, suicide, rape, etc. So please, if you have nowhere else to turn right now, email me or leave a comment below, because I love you and I want to show you why.

I'll leave you with the words one of my campers and I whispered back and forth from inside an intense hug once we discovered that we'd both attempted suicide in March: "I love you, and I am so glad you are here. You were meant to be here."

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Hi. My name is Nina, and I love babies. Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest.

But seriously. I do love babies. They're excited about the world. They're constantly learning and growing and changing. And, best of all, they don't expect you to hold a conversation. Babies are also a reminder to me that life goes on, and that I can be new, too.

Tonight, God used a baby to remind me of a powerful truth. I was sitting at our house church, holding one of the many babies. She grabbed at my bracelet, and I looked down to see her beautiful, soft, unblemished arm laying along my forearm, which is riddled with scars. I tried to pull my arm away, self conscious about her and other church members seeing the scars, but she grabbed my finger. 

I realized, then, that she doesn't care about my scars, she only cares that I hold and love and play with her. It was a poignant reminder not only that the past is the past, but that the scars that define me are not my own. My defining scars belong to a man who was nailed to a cross some 2000 years ago. He took my sins, my shame, my shortcomings, and endured my deserved punishment so that I could experience grace, forgiveness, love, and eternal life. Pretty amazing.

Don't get me wrong, the existence of this blog is proof that my scars are an important part of me. They are an important part of my faith. They are the reason I have a ministry at all. But they are not the essence of who I am. As a reminder, I am, and you are or can be, "forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the Giver of Life, righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy, this is our new name" (Jason Gray, "I Am New"). 

Feel free to leave comments or click here to email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. I'd love to talk more with you about faith, self injury, suicide, relationships, whatever you're dealing with. Love y'all!