I Will Not Tell My Daughter She is Pretty

Now, before you join the lynch mob, hear me out. And know that I truly believe that my daughter and sons will be beautiful and handsome, respectively.

I will not tell my daughter that she is pretty or my son that he is handsome because I do not want their self-worth to come from their physical appearance. Likewise, I will not tell them that they are fat, slow, too short, too tall, etc. (Something tells me you're okay with that last part.) Instead, I will tell them that they are smart, that they are good at things, that they worked hard, but most importantly that they are loved, forgiven, saved.

See, I firmly believe that my children's sense of identity and worth should come from the fact that they are saved, that Jesus chose to die for them, for me, for all of us. There was a time when I argued against the articles saying that you shouldn't tell your daughter she is pretty because her worth should come from her faith. There was a time that I believed they could coexist. There was a time that I believed that I was successfully drawing my worth from both my faith and my beauty.

Then, my counselor asked me why I had never (with one notable exception) physically fought back any of the numerous times I was sexually assaulted, even though I do not fear pain and have physically defended friends. I was stumped. Why hadn't I punched, scratched, kicked, bit, any of the hundreds of self-defense options I'd been taught in school? In fact, why had I repeatedly allowed myself to be alone with men I did not trust? I couldn't answer. Then, he asked me the most important question I've ever been asked: "Aren't you worth more than what your body can offer?" 

That is why I will not tell my daughter that she is pretty. I want her to know that she is worth more than any boy (or girl) looking at her outward appearance could ever know. Even more, I want her to want people to see past her appearance. Mostly, though, I do not want her to believe so deeply, so innately, that her worth stems from what she can offer physically that she may say no and refuse to consent, but also refuse to physically fight back against sexual assault.

I Need an Instruction Booklet

In talking with a dear friend about some of our similar experiences, she exclaimed that it sure would be nice if life had an instruction booklet! I wholeheartedly agreed, and then it occurred to me...we do have instruction booklets. Wait, hear me out.

Yes, of course we have the Bible, but let's be honest, it doesn't exactly offer clean-cut instructions for all situations. In fact, it doesn't even address many of our situations. However, if we're willing to open up and share our stories, we'll find that the people around us often have words of wisdom and experience that would be helpful.

Let's be clear - we can help, we can share our experiences, but what worked for us won't necessarily work for others. The only way to find an answer for yourself is to pray through it. But the experiences of others can be helpful. For instance, I can't tell you what will finally make you stop cutting, but I can share with you all the things I've ever tried to ease the urges. Maybe, in that list, you'll find something helpful.

Now, for a wonderful example, check out this site, featuring the story of my dear friend, Lika. There is so much here for you to draw inspiration from - changing faiths, family opposition, identity crises, etc. Although his story is a difficult one for him to share, since he still lacks familial support, he knows that his story is one that God is calling him to tell, because others can benefit from it, even if it's just because they'll know they're not alone.

Go leave Lika some comments, leave me some comments, and/or click here to email me a hopeforsi@hotmail.com. We'd both love to hear from you!

Impossible Standards?

Today, my therapist made an observation about me that makes a lot of sense, even though I hadn't considered it before. Using examples, he pointed out that, while I'm willing to make allowances for others, I use the Bible to beat myself up.

For example, I often allow others to take advantage of me, but when asked why I don't take a stand, I will quote a Bible verse. The example used today happened to come from my marriage, so my therapist responded by saying, "'Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.' See, I have a verse, too." Point taken. I am not the only one who should be living up to certain standards.

He also pointed out, though, that I let faith tell me who I should be (living up to standards) rather than letting faith tell me who I am. So, his goal over the next few weeks is to "get that cross-shaped baseball bat" out of my hands so I'll stop beating myself with it.

I'm fascinated by this process, because I believe most of us have something we use to beat ourselves up. This is especially true of those of us struggling with anxiety, depression, self injury, eating disorders, etc. What do you beat yourself up with? The approval of others? The expectations of your faith? Societal standards?

I encourage you to identify what you beat yourself with. If you're not sure, consult a therapist or a trusted friend. Then, lay it aside, even if only for a moment. I have no doubt that it will take constant conscious decisions in order to stop beating ourselves. However, when I imagine feeling free again, it seems worth it.

Leave a comment or click to shoot me an email. I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories.