How Do I Move On?

At some point, you'll look up from the aftermath of your abuse, self-injury, suicide attempt, or whatever your difficult life circumstance is and wonder: Where do I go from here? How do I move on? How do I get better?

First, know that these are important questions to ask, and a sure sign of healing. You don't start to ask these questions until you feel that you are out of immediate danger. You, my friend, have successfully transitioned from survival to healing. Take a moment to celebrate that! (I am not responsible for any injuries sustained by trying to match these slick dance moves.)

Feels good, right?! Now, let's get down to business. You're ready to move on, but where, exactly, do you move to? Here are my top four suggestions, which I'll expand on in my next few posts. Stay tuned!

1. Counseling - Professional is best, but other trusted advisors will do in a pinch. More on locating the right counselor (and affording counseling) soon.
2. Purpose - Find a reason to live, something that drives you and inspires you. Again, ideas coming if you lack a place to start. 
3. Community - As someone with social anxiety, I understand that this can be difficult, but the fact of the matter is: people need people. Find a loving, accepting, healthy community to plug into.
4. Grace - Offer grace to yourself, first and foremost, but also to others. 

Go. Live.

I just got home from my first ever graduation as a high school teacher. I hope that letting them go gets easier, but I have a sneaking suspicion it won't. My students quickly become my kids, so goodbye will always be hard.

This year's seniors put together a video of their photos and memories as a class. Part of the music was One Republic's "I Swear I Lived." I'd been hearing snippets of the song as they worked on the video, but as I listened today, I realized it was one of the most inspiring songs I've ever heard. This song encompasses everything I wish for these seniors: strength, love, pain with purpose, healing, living life to the fullest every single day.

More than just my seniors, I want these things for myself and everyone I know and love (including you). At the end of my life, I want to be able to say, "I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. With every broken bone, I swear I lived." I want to do what their graduation speaker advised: "Once you find what you're passionate about, do such a good job at it that people know you're passionate about it."

I want to live. 

Those of you who have been following me for awhile will know that those four words are the most important, most revolutionary words I've ever said, and I would not have said them two years ago. So thank you, seniors, students, colleagues, friends, family, and boyfriend, for helping me to start over and for teaching me not only how to live, but that living is a worthwhile pursuit.

Now, seniors: Go. Live.

On Difficult Conversations

Anxiety has a funny way of making every conversation difficult. While many of my friends, family, and colleagues can easily pick up the phone to order pizza or call to tell their parents that they've met someone, I struggle to even send a Facebook message. Then, when I've put off that conversation for too long, I worry that the person I need to talk to will be angry that I've put it off, so I put it off again in hopes of avoiding the confrontation. (See the vicious cycle?)

I'd be lying if I said I've learned how to break the vicious cycle completely. There are still things I haven't told my parents that I really want/need to. But I have found some baby steps that help. For one, I call my parents more often now. I vent about work. I ask for their help and advice. I'm making clear attempts to open up lines of communication. I even mention my depression and anxiety when it's relevant to a story. To be honest, I'm hoping that this will eventually prompt them to ask me questions about my life so that I don't have to just say it on my own.... but even if they don't, it will hopefully feel less awkward when I finally open up.

Roots

When I first got divorced, my farm girl instincts kicked in. I wanted to be home. I grew up tied to the land and, in times of stress, I want to go back to the land I remember so fondly. (Un)fortunately, I couldn't go home after the divorce. I found a job at a tiny rural school, though, and decided that would have to be close enough for now. Still, I had my sights set on returning home, eventually.  As I close in on the one year anniversary of accepting this job at a school that (at the time) seemed so far from home, I've come to realize a lot about the meaning of the word "home."

The other day, someone I care about very deeply challenged me to open myself up to possibilities - including the possibility of someday moving even farther from home. My first reaction was an immediate, harsh, resounding "NO!" Within the next few days, I was feeling homesick and decided to plant my garden. As I was digging my hands into the dark clay, it occurred to me that I have made my home in multiple places. Why, then, am I so set on living as close to my original home as possible? As I worked the soil at my new(ish) home, I realized that I could be at home anywhere, so long as I was able to live in a place with some space and get my hands dirty.

See, home is not a place. As much as it pains my farm girl heart to say so, home has no connection to land. Home is not even another person, as I've seen so many young romantics post lately. Home is where you are, because if you are happy, if you are content with yourself and can appreciate the good things in any location, then you are home. And I am very happy to say that, finally, I am home.

5 Keys to Healing: Two Years Later

It's hard to believe that it's been two years since I chose life. (Click here if you want to read the story of that day.) Over the past two years, I've learned, grown, hurt, been to therapy, gotten a divorce, taken a new job, made new friends....long story short, it's been a busy two years. I've made many mistakes, but that's how people learn. Now, in the hopes of helping you to skip at least some of the painful learning, here are the most important things I've learned over two year journey to health and happiness.

1. You need to be a little selfish. I'm not advocating self-centeredness as a lifestyle, but you need to carve out time for yourself. That could mean making time to work out, or paint, or write, or whatever hobby you're into. You might also need to let yourself make that education- or work-related decision that's best for you, no matter what others might think. You have to be selfish sometimes to maintain your mental, physical, and spiritual health.

2. Decide for yourself what the little things are and then refuse to allow them to stress you out. As someone with anxiety, this was the most difficult task and took me the longest. I had to decide that what people thought of me, how my hair looked, and whether or not I was in a relationship just didn't matter. I was enough as I was, on my own.

3. Get moving! Although I was reluctant to admit it, my physical health directly impacted my mental and spiritual health. I am much healthier in all aspects when I am running regularly. Not only is my body functioning better, which improves mental health, but I have that alone time to think, work through things, pray, etc. 

4. Make a list (but don't overwhelm yourself). I find that listing everything I need to do is helpful in keeping me functioning, even on my most depressed days. However, if something doesn't need to be done immediately, I either put it way far down on the list or leave it off for the moment. This way, I can easily see what needs done and keep moving. This also allows me to easily switch tasks when I get bored or just need a shift. Bonus tip: If you're unmotivated and can't get moving, pick something that you think you can do in one minute or less and do it. After all, an object in motion stays in motion!

5. Be honest. Clearly, this is a good rule regardless, but specifically, be honest with a few key people who are around you every day about what you are going through. This will allow them to step in when someone else says or does something that could be triggering or just plain unhelpful. For instance, I work with middle school and high school students. The boys, especially, like to sneak up behind you and scare you. For various reasons, this can (and often does) send me into a panic attack. By telling a few key people about my healing process, I ensure that someone can take over and reassure the students if I do have a panic attack due to a (typically) harmless prank. 

Roaring Like a Lion

Recently, I've been fighting to get myself healthier - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'll write more about this process later, as I know it's a common goal, particularly for those of us who struggle with mental illness. For now, a little on the struggle for spiritual health.

As often happens to us when we're busy, mildly depressed, and just not feeling connected, I drifted away from church. Now, don't misunderstand me. Going to church makes you spiritually healthy about as well as standing in the produce section makes you physically healthy. You can't just attend, you have to do something. So, while I'm in church, I write. I absorb what's being said around me, but I don't actually process it in a useful way unless I write. I knew a guy once who doodled all through the sermon, but by the end actually knew what had been said. You find your own way, but realize that you must do something with what you hear there. (Even if you disagree.)

So, I went back to church. Below are some notes I wrote up after church recently. I thought these were interesting, so I decided to share with you.

"My God's not dead, He's surely alive. He's livin' on the inside, roarin' like a lion." From "God's Not Dead" by The Newsboys

If you haven't heard the song I took that quote from, click play. Seriously worth your time.

When I heard God compared to a lion, as I have my whole life, I guess I assumed it was because he was King and ferocious and such. Then, for some reason, the speaker's mention of The Newsboys' song made me wonder - why does a lion roar? Turns out, lions don't generally roar in anger or to intimidate, though I'm sure it's happened. Rather, lions roar to proclaim their territory and to gather straying members of the pride back to them. So, when my God is a lion, he is not only an able fighter, but also a territorial, compassionate leader. Although Satan rules the earth now, one day, God will roar, and the sound will reach the whole earth. Satan will hear and know that God is claiming his territory. All of the inhabitants of the earth will hear and believe in Him. We will gather 'round our father, the lion of Judah, God Almighty. Until then, let Him roar in me.

To be frank, the above writing had nothing to do with the speaker's message that day. But it was a rabbit trail off of something he said, and an important one for me. As someone seeking to regain spiritual health, I needed to hear that God will roar, God will claim his territory (you and I included), and so my efforts to regain spiritual health are not in vain.

I hope that some of you needed to hear this as well. I apologize for taking so long, dear followers, but I promise to make a concerted effort to be around more consistently!

5 Ways to Support Friends with Mental Health Issues

It's no secret on this blog that I have dealt with depression, suicide, anxiety, and eating issues. If you experience those same issues, you will know what I mean when I say that these issues can take over your mind. For those of you reading in an effort to understand what your loved ones are experiencing, let me try to explain.

When someone experiences suicidal thoughts, for example, the ideas that they are not good enough, not contributing anything to the world, incapable of ever feeling better, etc., take over. Let me assure you that we do not choose these thoughts or feelings, nor can we escape them simply because you say that you love us.

The same is true for depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. The statements that you love us, that we are beautiful, that everything will be fine, and all of the other loving things you say will never fix us. 

I don't emphasize this to be cruel. I simply need you (whether you deal with these problems yourself or are here on behalf of a loved one) to understand that, in the moment of struggle, these statements make no difference. I realize that sounds incredibly harsh, but it's true.

Here's the trick - the idea that a person is worth something must be built up in the times when he/she is not struggling. I read somewhere a piece of advice for people struggling with mental health issues. It read: "Choose to believe what you know to be true, not what you feel in the moment." This only works, though, if there is a set of useful, positive things that you know to be true.

So, Nina, how do I help build up my friend so that she has positive truths to cling to when things get bad?
I am so glad you asked!

1. Offer sincere compliments consistently.
2. If the person struggles with something specific - body image, for example - ask if you can help. (Please only do this if you have the time and ability to actually help.) 
3. Ask for their opinion/help/expertise AND LISTEN. Nothing makes a person feel more worthwhile than someone else needing them.
4. If you and the person you are helping are people of faith - do Bible studies together. Become accountability partners. Make that faith a part of your regular interactions. A friend with the guts to talk to me on a Biblical level saved my life once - don't underestimate its power.
5. Most importantly - Be there. Pour a glass of wine. Talk about the days you've had. Mental health support is often as simple as just listening.