5 Keys to Healing: Two Years Later

It's hard to believe that it's been two years since I chose life. (Click here if you want to read the story of that day.) Over the past two years, I've learned, grown, hurt, been to therapy, gotten a divorce, taken a new job, made new friends....long story short, it's been a busy two years. I've made many mistakes, but that's how people learn. Now, in the hopes of helping you to skip at least some of the painful learning, here are the most important things I've learned over two year journey to health and happiness.

1. You need to be a little selfish. I'm not advocating self-centeredness as a lifestyle, but you need to carve out time for yourself. That could mean making time to work out, or paint, or write, or whatever hobby you're into. You might also need to let yourself make that education- or work-related decision that's best for you, no matter what others might think. You have to be selfish sometimes to maintain your mental, physical, and spiritual health.

2. Decide for yourself what the little things are and then refuse to allow them to stress you out. As someone with anxiety, this was the most difficult task and took me the longest. I had to decide that what people thought of me, how my hair looked, and whether or not I was in a relationship just didn't matter. I was enough as I was, on my own.

3. Get moving! Although I was reluctant to admit it, my physical health directly impacted my mental and spiritual health. I am much healthier in all aspects when I am running regularly. Not only is my body functioning better, which improves mental health, but I have that alone time to think, work through things, pray, etc. 

4. Make a list (but don't overwhelm yourself). I find that listing everything I need to do is helpful in keeping me functioning, even on my most depressed days. However, if something doesn't need to be done immediately, I either put it way far down on the list or leave it off for the moment. This way, I can easily see what needs done and keep moving. This also allows me to easily switch tasks when I get bored or just need a shift. Bonus tip: If you're unmotivated and can't get moving, pick something that you think you can do in one minute or less and do it. After all, an object in motion stays in motion!

5. Be honest. Clearly, this is a good rule regardless, but specifically, be honest with a few key people who are around you every day about what you are going through. This will allow them to step in when someone else says or does something that could be triggering or just plain unhelpful. For instance, I work with middle school and high school students. The boys, especially, like to sneak up behind you and scare you. For various reasons, this can (and often does) send me into a panic attack. By telling a few key people about my healing process, I ensure that someone can take over and reassure the students if I do have a panic attack due to a (typically) harmless prank. 

Roaring Like a Lion

Recently, I've been fighting to get myself healthier - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'll write more about this process later, as I know it's a common goal, particularly for those of us who struggle with mental illness. For now, a little on the struggle for spiritual health.

As often happens to us when we're busy, mildly depressed, and just not feeling connected, I drifted away from church. Now, don't misunderstand me. Going to church makes you spiritually healthy about as well as standing in the produce section makes you physically healthy. You can't just attend, you have to do something. So, while I'm in church, I write. I absorb what's being said around me, but I don't actually process it in a useful way unless I write. I knew a guy once who doodled all through the sermon, but by the end actually knew what had been said. You find your own way, but realize that you must do something with what you hear there. (Even if you disagree.)

So, I went back to church. Below are some notes I wrote up after church recently. I thought these were interesting, so I decided to share with you.

"My God's not dead, He's surely alive. He's livin' on the inside, roarin' like a lion." From "God's Not Dead" by The Newsboys

If you haven't heard the song I took that quote from, click play. Seriously worth your time.

When I heard God compared to a lion, as I have my whole life, I guess I assumed it was because he was King and ferocious and such. Then, for some reason, the speaker's mention of The Newsboys' song made me wonder - why does a lion roar? Turns out, lions don't generally roar in anger or to intimidate, though I'm sure it's happened. Rather, lions roar to proclaim their territory and to gather straying members of the pride back to them. So, when my God is a lion, he is not only an able fighter, but also a territorial, compassionate leader. Although Satan rules the earth now, one day, God will roar, and the sound will reach the whole earth. Satan will hear and know that God is claiming his territory. All of the inhabitants of the earth will hear and believe in Him. We will gather 'round our father, the lion of Judah, God Almighty. Until then, let Him roar in me.

To be frank, the above writing had nothing to do with the speaker's message that day. But it was a rabbit trail off of something he said, and an important one for me. As someone seeking to regain spiritual health, I needed to hear that God will roar, God will claim his territory (you and I included), and so my efforts to regain spiritual health are not in vain.

I hope that some of you needed to hear this as well. I apologize for taking so long, dear followers, but I promise to make a concerted effort to be around more consistently!

5 Ways to Support Friends with Mental Health Issues

It's no secret on this blog that I have dealt with depression, suicide, anxiety, and eating issues. If you experience those same issues, you will know what I mean when I say that these issues can take over your mind. For those of you reading in an effort to understand what your loved ones are experiencing, let me try to explain.

When someone experiences suicidal thoughts, for example, the ideas that they are not good enough, not contributing anything to the world, incapable of ever feeling better, etc., take over. Let me assure you that we do not choose these thoughts or feelings, nor can we escape them simply because you say that you love us.

The same is true for depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. The statements that you love us, that we are beautiful, that everything will be fine, and all of the other loving things you say will never fix us. 

I don't emphasize this to be cruel. I simply need you (whether you deal with these problems yourself or are here on behalf of a loved one) to understand that, in the moment of struggle, these statements make no difference. I realize that sounds incredibly harsh, but it's true.

Here's the trick - the idea that a person is worth something must be built up in the times when he/she is not struggling. I read somewhere a piece of advice for people struggling with mental health issues. It read: "Choose to believe what you know to be true, not what you feel in the moment." This only works, though, if there is a set of useful, positive things that you know to be true.

So, Nina, how do I help build up my friend so that she has positive truths to cling to when things get bad?
I am so glad you asked!

1. Offer sincere compliments consistently.
2. If the person struggles with something specific - body image, for example - ask if you can help. (Please only do this if you have the time and ability to actually help.) 
3. Ask for their opinion/help/expertise AND LISTEN. Nothing makes a person feel more worthwhile than someone else needing them.
4. If you and the person you are helping are people of faith - do Bible studies together. Become accountability partners. Make that faith a part of your regular interactions. A friend with the guts to talk to me on a Biblical level saved my life once - don't underestimate its power.
5. Most importantly - Be there. Pour a glass of wine. Talk about the days you've had. Mental health support is often as simple as just listening.

"He looked so happy" and Other Depression Myths

I've heard lots of stories lately about suicide "out of the blue." They all go something like this:

George committed suicide last week. I just can't believe it. He just posted pictures from their family 4th of July and they all looked so happy. 

These stories made me realize that perhaps I need to take a step back in my blog to explain that depression, suicide, self-injury, anxiety, and related issues hide. You cannot (always) see them. Depression can hide in the most smiley, outgoing person you know. Suicidal thoughts can hide in the person always talking others into continuing life.

The next question I imagine you asking, were we to have this conversation in person, is: "So, if these issues hide, how can I possibly help?" I can't give you one definitive answer. I can, however, provide you with some tips and ideas. Please feel free to add to these in the comments below!

1. Show kindness, grace, and mercy to everyone you meet. (Yes, everyone. Yes, even the kid who stole your lunch money. Kindness, grace, and mercy do not require making yourself a doormat, though. You can and should draw boundaries in a kind manner.)
2. Ask for genuine answers to the "How are you?" question. And give genuine answers. I read somewhere about "the gift of going second," in which admitting your struggles can encourage someone else to admit theirs. 
3. Become an observer. Although mental health issues hide, there are typically changes when a person is nearing their breaking point - but these are often small changes only noticeable if you are intimately aware of how the person normally acts. In the days before I attempted suicide, nobody mentioned a change in my behavior, but I know that I much more willingly made future social plans (because I didn't intend to be around to keep them), stopped doing homework, and began ending interactions with "goodbye" instead of my more typical "talk to ya later" or "goodnight." 
4. Stop speaking judgmentally about suicide, self-injury, depression, and other mental health issues. This is huge. There are numerous friends I still will not reach out to because I've heard them say things like, "People who self-injure are just attention seekers," "Depressed people just need to go do things and they'd be fine," or even the seemingly harmless, "You don't even want to know what I think about suicide." Watch your words - they're having an impact you can't even fathom. Imagine if my suicide attempt had been successful and my friends who spoke that way would have had to read in a note that I didn't reach out to them because of it. 
5. Tell your story. Over 25% (more than 1 in 4) American adults have some kind of diagnosable mental illness. If you have a story, tell it. It doesn't have to have a resolution. It just has to be true. All some of us who live with mental illness need is to know that we're not alone. (Not that a positive story now and then wouldn't be helpful!)
6. Know the facts. We tend to focus on teens when discussing these issues (and rightfully so, it's a tumultuous time), but actually, suicide rates are highest in ages 65 and up. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more likely to succeed. Rates of success go up with each attempt, so someone who has attempted before should actually be watched even more closely. The list goes on and on. (The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has excellent information.)

I hope this has been helpful for those of you concerned that you're unable to spot these issues in your loved ones. Again, feel free to add your thoughts in the comments below or email me at hopeforsi@hotmail.com. I'm always happy to chat!
-Nina

Breakdown in Aisle 9

Recently, I was having a rough day. My anxiety levels were very high, as was my aversion to food/eating. A friend messaged me after the experience, and he and I came to the conclusion that I needed to try to explain anxiety for those who do not live with it. This is a description of a "bad" anxiety day and how you can help not only me, but anyone in your life with anxiety.

I finished up work around 2 PM and headed home, where I changed into comfortable clothes and, knowing it was a high anxiety day (though not knowing why - there is often no reason), tried to prepare myself for the necessary trips to the bank and grocery store.

I hit the grocery store first, but I barely made it through the door before I began to feel overwhelmed at needing to locate and purchase food. I stopped in the breakfast aisle, knowing that I needed options that would easily transport to work. Suddenly, everything on the aisle seemed fattening, too high in sugar, too high in sodium, too expensive, or in some other way unfit for me to purchase. I could find nothing that both sounded good and seemed like a good idea.

To make matters worse, I was growing more and more anxious the longer I stood there, debating my choices, because other people were trying to get to things in the aisle. Never mind that none of them asked me to move or needed anything I was standing in front of. I was not actually causing anyone a problem, but anxiety doesn't care if the problem actually exists, only that it could. Anxiety tells you that, just around the corner is a mean little old lady who will yell at you for taking more than a couple minutes to choose your breakfast for the week. And anxiety insists on the "flight" option in all situations, even mean little old ladies.

I finally just abandoned the breakfast aisle, nearly in tears, and got only the things actually written on my list, such as toilet paper, and skipped the "general category" items, such as "breakfast" and "two suppers." I felt awful any time I even dared to make eye contact with someone, much less turn down the same aisle at the same time, and at first apologized profusely, before anxiety stole my voice, and I just ducked my head and tried to be as small as possible.

Anxiety dictated that I go through self checkout, because having to talk to another person on my way out the door would have only made things more difficult. I checked out as quickly as possible and finally arrived at the car, trembling, heart racing, nearly in tears, and dripping in sweat. I practiced breathing techniques and visualizations I had picked up from friends and learned in therapy. Eventually, I came down enough to drive.

Keep in mind that what I just described was a snippet of a bad day. However, certain features remain, even on good days. Even on good days, I worry constantly that I might be inconveniencing someone. Even on good days, I go through the self check-out to avoid talking to any extra people. Even on good days, I apologize for needing to pass people, for people running into me, for things that are in no way my fault and do not require apology. Even on good days, my heart rate increases when I enter places where other people will be (work, stores, banks, church, family functions, etc.). Thanks to therapy, these symptoms are manageable most days.

However, there are still bad days, days when I might start crying in the grocery store for no apparent reason, days when I will screen your calls not because I don't want to talk to you but because the idea of connecting with another person is so overwhelming that I just can't do it, days when eating is a next to impossible task. On those days, you will feel helpless. On those days I will be unable to tell you what I need. So, I'm telling you now: on those days, I need you to simplify tasks for me - don't do them, just simplify them. For example, if I'm going to the grocery store, tell me to buy oatmeal so that I will not have to decide on a breakfast item. On those days, don't ask me to explain my issues, just hug me (if we have that kind of relationship) and encourage me to do things that de-stress me. For me, those include painting, reading, a hot bath, and even cleaning. On those days, just be there, and wait until the next day to ask me about the experience.

School's Out! (Almost)

The end of the school year is upon us - can I get an Amen? Although the end of the school year is widely celebrated around the country (and world), it is also one of the times of highest stress among students, teachers, and parents. So, I'm going to talk to each of you. Even if you don't fit into any of these categories, listen up - you have friends who do.

Students - You are facing final exams and the consequences, good or bad, of those final grades. You are likely to be experiencing high levels of stress, resulting in disruptions in eating, sleeping, and socializing. This is bad enough if you're healthy. It is far worse if you're struggling with physical or mental health issues. To get through your finals, you need to reduce stress. See the end of this post for some strategies and links. Also know that your school (whether middle, high, or college) will have counselors or other resources for you, should you want or need more help than you can find on your own.

Particularly for those of us with mental health issues, the coming lack of schedule and potential increase in free time can be horrifying. For instance, my depression and anxiety combine to make me want to sleep all day, rather than face the daunting task of forming and following my own schedule. This, in turn, exacerbates my eating issues. So, if you have similar issues, I strongly encourage you to make a plan now. Ask trusted friends to help you create and stick to a schedule. Make practical, reachable goals for your summer. Do anything that might help you keep eating, keep moving, keep fighting to stay healthy (or start fighting, if you're not already).

Teachers - You are also facing final exams, albeit from the writing and grading side of things. This means that you are also facing having to deal with complaints from students and parents about those grades. As a teacher with a desk and email inbox both overflowing with things to grade, I fully understand. You should see the list of stress-busting ideas below.

As a teacher who struggles with various mental health issues, I know that this can be an extremely difficult time. See the stress-busting tips below. Also consider intentionally making time to interact with colleagues and friends outside of work during this time. You feel the busiest, but this is the time that you need socialization the most. It can make you feel less alone and force you to step away from work, even if only for a little while.

Parents - Bad news, when summer comes, your kids come home full time. This means you have to arrange for child care, if they are too young to stay alone, and worry about them being alone even if they are old enough. If your kids are teenagers, this likely also means some disagreements, to say the least. Sadly, I have not been blessed with children, so I can't offer suggestions with much authority here. What I will say is that my friends who are parents have emphasized over and over the need to create space for themselves to just be themselves without the stress of parenting. This might mean creating a weekly date night with your significant other, a daily Bible time where your family knows not to bother you, or five stolen minutes of reading before the baby starts screaming and you hear the teenager leave without permission. Whenever it is - make time for yourself. It may seem like a scheduling nightmare, but you'll thank me later, when you realize you've managed to cling to sanity. :)

Stress-Busting Links & Ideas

Since you're reading this, I presume you're spending a fair amount of time online, so give virtual bubblewrap, guided meditation, virtual stress ball, or just get some peace and quiet.

For offline de-stressing, try exercise, creating some kind of art, taking a bath, listening to your favorite music, or harmless destruction (such as tearing up paper).

When There are no Words

Recently, I have watched several friends go through very different, but equally heart breaking, losses. On Easter Sunday, I watched one of the strongest women I've ever known break down in tears over spending her first Easter without her husband. There was nothing to say. Only a touch of the hand and an understanding nod when she left early to visit him in the cemetery.

I have seen and heard Christians claim that such mourning is silly, pointless, even un-Christian, because we know that there is something far better for believers after this life. But when Jesus learned of Lazarus's death, "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). See, even if we know that Heaven is infinitely better than this life, there remains the pain of change, of absence, the ache of what could have been. Mourning itself is not bad - we were created to feel pain as well as joy. Wallowing in mourning, refusing to live, not allowing our story to be, in some way, a ministry to others is what is bad.

So, I challenge you to tell your story, whether it be to one person you know is experiencing a similar struggle or to a much larger audience. Our stories have power to help, to heal, to show others the power of faith in grief. Because sometimes, when there are no words, your story will do just fine.