Resting

I decided to take this past weekend off from all of my normal work. This meant I would have free time to do things I enjoyed or even just do nothing. Those of you who struggle with self-injury know just how dangerous this is. When I'm busy, I think about cutting/burning less. However, I felt I needed to take this weekend off because I was simply burnt out.

So, Saturday morning, I helped some friends move. It was therapeutic, and I came home in a great mood. Then, a friend decided to cut off all communication with me due to starting a new romantic relationship. Immediately, the self-blaming began. I wondered what I had done wrong. I cried in the bathtub for two hours. No matter how much my friend assured me that it had nothing to do with the status of our friendship, I couldn't help but feel I'd done something wrong. As you can see, my weekend off was spiraling out of control. I was depressed. I was triggered. I was hurting more than I'd hurt in quite some time.

But I vowed to continue taking the weekend off, even though work would have helped me cope. I headed to a friend's party, where the sheer number of babies and pregnant women present painfully reminded me of what I would never have. Then, that night, the serious issues with my own marriage relationship were re-exposed. Talk about a double whammy. I slept on the couch that night, though I use the word "slept" quite liberally. I didn't sleep more than about fifteen minutes the whole night. It was the kind of night where I had to make a very conscious decision to stay on the couch and ignore the calling of the blade.

Still, in spite of all of the trials that popped up during my "restful" weekend, I did learn something about rest. Resting, truly resting, takes effort. When you're struggling with an addiction, that effort is doubled. When you're also dealing with relationship issues, it's quadrupled. Why? Because addictions and relationship issues are things that we (or at least I) tend to bury in work when I've done all I can otherwise. What I should be doing, when I've done everything in my power to fix the addiction and the relationship issues, is to rest in God. After all, my SI addiction and my marriage and friendship issues are bigger than me. But they're not bigger than Him. They will never be bigger than Him.