After seeing many many people struggling with depression post about wishing their lives were more like so and so's, I feel the need to say this: There is no such thing as an easy life. There are personalities which deal with conflict better than others. There are people who are able to hide their issues. But there are no easy lives. There are only those who suffer differently than we do.
But here's the thing - suffering does NOT mean we can't have the good life. We have things to work through, sure. We need to learn how to manage our conditions, of course. However, we can reach out to others who struggle with similar issues even before we have ours all figured out. Look at me, for example. I still struggle with depression. I still fight the urge to self-injure, and I have relapsed once in the last month. Yet I have two outreach blogs, and I truly enjoy talking to those who are suicidal or on the cusp of self-injury. It is one of the things that helps to keep me from those things myself, because I must make coherent arguments for sustaining life and life without self-injury. It's like taking on an alter ego, in some ways, except that it is how I strive to live every day.
Which brings me to a question I never thought to answer before: Why use the name Nina on my blog? My real name is one I associate with my self-injury struggle. The name Nina I associate with my recovery, and here's why: The nickname Nina was given to me by one of the first friends to know about and help me with my recovery from self-injury. Nina is a shortened version of "ninakupenda," which means "I love you" in Swahili. Nina also means grace, favor, and strong. So, just as Abram took on the name Abraham when God called him (feel free to ask if you would like more information on that story), I have taken on a new name for the sake of my outreach. I make no claims that God has assigned this name, just to be clear, only that it is a name I identify with in my recovery.
Showing posts with label obstacles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obstacles. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Lessons Learned
How many of you who struggle with self-injury (including eating disorders) have been told that you're just "attention seeking?" That you're not really "sick," you're just lonely, or something like that?
I'm sure most, if not all, of us have heard that at one point or another. And sometimes it is a cry for someone to notice. But many, perhaps most, of us hide our self-injury quite carefully from those we know. We actively avoid attention based on our self-harm, and only participate in self-injury because it eases emotional pain in some form or another. We are not "attention seekers," we are hurting people dealing with the pain in the only way we know how.
Telling people about my struggle with self-injury has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Telling strangers is one thing, but telling people who I know and love, people whose opinion of me matters, is difficult. The first person I ever told, who we'll call Sam, was extremely hurt by my actions. He told me that it hurt to see someone he cared about so down that she would resort to harming herself. He suggested a tattoo on the place where I typically cut to remind me that hurting myself hurt him, and he made me a bracelet for my other arm for the same reason. Sam's reaction was helpful, and was the first push onto the road to recovery for me. But not everyone has reacted that way. Some have only said they would pray for me (which isn't all bad, mind you, but not immediately and practically helpful at first). Some have flat out refused to help and even criticized me for seeking help in the form of medication and counseling.
It's been a struggle, to say the least, but I've discovered a few things by telling other people about my self-injury.
I'm sure most, if not all, of us have heard that at one point or another. And sometimes it is a cry for someone to notice. But many, perhaps most, of us hide our self-injury quite carefully from those we know. We actively avoid attention based on our self-harm, and only participate in self-injury because it eases emotional pain in some form or another. We are not "attention seekers," we are hurting people dealing with the pain in the only way we know how.
Telling people about my struggle with self-injury has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Telling strangers is one thing, but telling people who I know and love, people whose opinion of me matters, is difficult. The first person I ever told, who we'll call Sam, was extremely hurt by my actions. He told me that it hurt to see someone he cared about so down that she would resort to harming herself. He suggested a tattoo on the place where I typically cut to remind me that hurting myself hurt him, and he made me a bracelet for my other arm for the same reason. Sam's reaction was helpful, and was the first push onto the road to recovery for me. But not everyone has reacted that way. Some have only said they would pray for me (which isn't all bad, mind you, but not immediately and practically helpful at first). Some have flat out refused to help and even criticized me for seeking help in the form of medication and counseling.
It's been a struggle, to say the least, but I've discovered a few things by telling other people about my self-injury.
- Telling the right person/people can result in real help.
- Some people don't know how to react, but it doesn't mean they don't care.
- For the sake of my mental health, I have to focus on those who do want to help, not on those who have walked away.
- I am responsible for being honest about my struggle when necessary, but I am not responsible for how that makes others feel, think, speak, or react.
- There is no one I can't live without, no matter how much their reactions or rejections may hurt.
- People are, in general, more understanding than we give them credit for.
- I know more people who do struggle or have struggled with self-injury than I ever would have guessed.
Friday, March 8, 2013
"Coming Out" as a Self Injurer
Today, I confessed my depression and self-injury to my parents because I wanted to be able to be open about them in this and other outreach/ministry opportunities. It was the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever done. And they didn't even react, except to tell me, when they left a few hours later, that they would keep it in prayer. In some ways, I'm glad. It means that they aren't reacting out of fear, anger, or pain. Instead, they are letting it sink in. I do hope that they will ask questions later, if they need clarification, but I'm not sure they will.
Regardless, I've done my part. All I can do is tell them about it, tell them that I'm recovering, and leave it at that. They are aware and so I can have my ministry in public without fear of their claiming it hurt to hear it from someone else. That's all I needed. I am not responsible for their feelings, thoughts, or actions. Only for mine.
Please remember that, if and when you tell people, you cannot control how they react, and how they react does not say anything about you - only about them.
Regardless, I've done my part. All I can do is tell them about it, tell them that I'm recovering, and leave it at that. They are aware and so I can have my ministry in public without fear of their claiming it hurt to hear it from someone else. That's all I needed. I am not responsible for their feelings, thoughts, or actions. Only for mine.
Please remember that, if and when you tell people, you cannot control how they react, and how they react does not say anything about you - only about them.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Two Lives
Recently, I've been feeling more and more like I'm living two separate lives. In one life, I am highly successful. I am good at what I do. I enjoy what I do. I'm happy with my work and school life. I love it, even. In this life, I can embrace my struggle with self-injury. This life includes my blogs and opportunities to help others in similar situations. It also includes my faith.
In my other life, I have several good friends, but the relationships that are most important to me are in bad shape. I have not yet told many people who actually know me about my self-injury struggle, and so I have to wear long sleeves and be careful not to expose recent injuries or obvious scars. I have not told many people who I know in real life about the troubles in my marriage, and so I have to carefully tiptoe around those issues. It is a stressful, difficult life.
If it's so hard to live two lives, why do it? For me, it's a combination of not wanting to burden others, particularly my family, with my issues and being ashamed that I have these issues to begin with. However, I am always available to family and friends when they have issues, and I do not offer judgment or shaming to them, no matter what the problem. Strange, even hypocritical, right?
Something I'm learning, and that I think it's important that you learn with me if you haven't yet, is that our problems matter, too. I think many of us who suffer from depression and self-injury also suffer from codependency We get so lost in taking care of others (which we often do in negative ways, whether we realize it or not, such as manipulation), that we lose track of ourselves. So, I'm telling you now, your problems matter, your pains matter, your struggles matter, and everyone has struggles. They are nothing to be ashamed of. While I'm not advocating a social media shout out of all your issues, do not apologize for needing to let people into your struggle or for seeking advice or for having struggles at all. These are things I have frequently apologized for in the past out of shame. No more.
Thank you for sticking with me through this long post. If you're interested in learning more about codependency, check out a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm not an advocate of self-help - I honestly believe most of it is bullshit. This book, at least as far as I am into it, is not. This is written by someone who has been there and figured most of this out for herself through experience. It's worth your time. I promise. Now, go take care of yourselves, y'all!
In my other life, I have several good friends, but the relationships that are most important to me are in bad shape. I have not yet told many people who actually know me about my self-injury struggle, and so I have to wear long sleeves and be careful not to expose recent injuries or obvious scars. I have not told many people who I know in real life about the troubles in my marriage, and so I have to carefully tiptoe around those issues. It is a stressful, difficult life.
If it's so hard to live two lives, why do it? For me, it's a combination of not wanting to burden others, particularly my family, with my issues and being ashamed that I have these issues to begin with. However, I am always available to family and friends when they have issues, and I do not offer judgment or shaming to them, no matter what the problem. Strange, even hypocritical, right?
Something I'm learning, and that I think it's important that you learn with me if you haven't yet, is that our problems matter, too. I think many of us who suffer from depression and self-injury also suffer from codependency We get so lost in taking care of others (which we often do in negative ways, whether we realize it or not, such as manipulation), that we lose track of ourselves. So, I'm telling you now, your problems matter, your pains matter, your struggles matter, and everyone has struggles. They are nothing to be ashamed of. While I'm not advocating a social media shout out of all your issues, do not apologize for needing to let people into your struggle or for seeking advice or for having struggles at all. These are things I have frequently apologized for in the past out of shame. No more.
Thank you for sticking with me through this long post. If you're interested in learning more about codependency, check out a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm not an advocate of self-help - I honestly believe most of it is bullshit. This book, at least as far as I am into it, is not. This is written by someone who has been there and figured most of this out for herself through experience. It's worth your time. I promise. Now, go take care of yourselves, y'all!
Friday, March 1, 2013
Sin Lucha, No Hay Victoria (Without Struggle, there is no Victory)
Hi, all! I hope you had a great time celebrating Self-Harm Awareness Day. One of my dear tumblr followers wore orange to celebrate. I wore my TWLOHA shirt. Anybody do anything more exciting?
Today, I'd like to take a moment to explain the title of the blog, since some of you have asked.
I titled the blog "Cutting Your Way Out" because this is a recovery blog. You could certainly make an argument that the title itself could be triggering. Since this is a recovery blog, that seems counter-intuitive. However, recovery is not pretty. Recovery is a battle. The title is a reminder of that, for you and for me. The title will, I hope, keep me from posting anything implying that recovery is all sunshine and rainbows, even though we will certainly have some sunshine/rainbow days sprinkled in.
Are you currently trying to recover? If so, what has been your biggest obstacle? Your biggest success?
Are you currently muddling through the addiction? What is your biggest struggle? What things help you to have good days in the midst of your struggle?
No matter where you're at in your struggle, know that I love you and that I want you to be happy and healthy when you're ready.
Today, I'd like to take a moment to explain the title of the blog, since some of you have asked.
I titled the blog "Cutting Your Way Out" because this is a recovery blog. You could certainly make an argument that the title itself could be triggering. Since this is a recovery blog, that seems counter-intuitive. However, recovery is not pretty. Recovery is a battle. The title is a reminder of that, for you and for me. The title will, I hope, keep me from posting anything implying that recovery is all sunshine and rainbows, even though we will certainly have some sunshine/rainbow days sprinkled in.
Are you currently trying to recover? If so, what has been your biggest obstacle? Your biggest success?
Are you currently muddling through the addiction? What is your biggest struggle? What things help you to have good days in the midst of your struggle?
No matter where you're at in your struggle, know that I love you and that I want you to be happy and healthy when you're ready.
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